Bipolar

Falling down my cheeks are big fat tears.

All the anguish within my heart,

Is leaking from my eyes.

I Cried despairing my emotions are plain.

To see

Yet they are not even acknowledged.

My moods are elicited, mess of indecision and anxiety concealed.

By a single mask of indifference,

No one seems to care,

Or take the time to know me,

I am adrift in an ocean of fears.

Battling with tides and currents

I have always been fiercely stricken with this affliction.

Doctors have given it labels.

But it is not so neatly labeled and packaged.

My mental health

Is not some random label.

No pills have helped me.

Talking about it won’t make it go away.

Bipolar is here to stay.

Please understand having a mental illness

Is not fun.

It isn’t cool.

And no one understands me and the personal hell.

I have endured all the adversity and stigma of it.

Yet I wake and fight fiercely to make my way.

Through the long darkness

That is thrust.

Upon me

I pray for strength.

And promise to personally forgive all whom betray,

how I have been feeling

I haven’t been blogging or even writting for that matter to be completely honest I have been struggling with the depression .

Nothing helps it I have tried medications , excise , Prayer keeping busy but it just sneaks up and pounces on me some days are better than others but as of late I have been really feeling just blah and pain actualy physical pain not sure as to why I feel this way nothing has really changed it is like carrying around a big bag of rocks it is heavy and hurts but I can’t seem to lose the rocks , I can’t really sleep and when I do sleep I have weird and disjointed dreams I feel disconnected from life and have no appeite for food it is to the point that I have to force myself to eat food .

No one in my family understands how I feel , I feel alone and isolated even when I am surrounded by people I feel like I am in a bubble and cannot connect depression is just exhausting I try and escape by watching old reruns of tv shows . I want to feel something other than sad , I have no goals or dreams anymore all I do is exist depression just hurts but I am the only one who feels it

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar

 

 

Random depression/bipolar thoughts

My depression takes on a mind of its own,and proceeds to sweep away the remnants of my shattered heart  The fog has Descended thick dark confussing as well as painful sitting in my balcony, the sunset just went away, I hate the dark, it reminds me of the end, like the grave it’s dark and cold, full of loneliness :

It slowly creeps up and sucks all the joy happiness and feeling out of you , you do not realize it .

Depression is different from sadness.
Depression consumes you until there is nothing left to feel all you feel is blank your happy and joy are sucked out and everything feels gray and foggy.

In the midst of my depression, every event, every duty, every change was taken in by my despairing mind as a personal attack.  A thing to be suffered.  Another thing to survive.
Depression is insidious. It seeps into your skin and settles into your bones where its impossible to grasp or understand transparent yet dense, like a fog rolling in  everywhere and nowhere
A paralysis that spreads like fire, coursing through your body along your circulatory system so that every cell is affected. Infected. The worst kind of resistant infection, because death from depression is slow. Painfully, achingly, patiently slow, no one even realizes what you are going through .

Depression is a loneliness.
I always felt alone. I hid my emotions away from the world. I smiled like nothing is wrong but my tears kept me company every night.
It’s uncontrollable. An uncontrollable pain. I was so numb to everything around me. I suppose it was my body reflex action to what I was experiencing. I choose to not want to feel anything. I detach myself. I only choose to cry. How can I stop this heavy blanket of shit from falling all over me. I tried to so mindfulness. I tried to focus my thoughts onto something else, but got pulled under before it even made a different.