I stopped writing

I stopped writing

I used to picture a little island that would
whisk me away for days.
I should have never stopped writing.
It is what gives me the strength to move on.
I put it aside and carried on.
I used to be scared that someone would find
what I wrote and read it.
So after a while of having a precious
writing I’d rip it up.
I was embarrassed about some of the ways
that I felt, Ashamed.
My paranoid feelings made me put down
My Pen and Pad.
So I stored my emotions in the back of
my head.
Rigorously they built up in my brain
until it was too late to realize.
I held in so much pain.
Only to have my conscience haunt me and
by not writing, delete me.

What’s Left Of Me

Watch my life pass me by in a rear view mirror
pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer
I don’t wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me

I’ve been dying inside
little by little
nowhere to go going out of my mind
and in endless circle
running from myself until
you gave me a reason for standing still

I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me

Falling faster
barely breathing
give me something to believe in
tell me its not all in my head

take what’s left of this man
make me whole once again

cause I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger, like a burning to find a place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded,
I’m half the man I thought I would be
you can have all that’s left
what’s left of me

I’m been dying inside you see
I’m going outa my mind, outa my mind
I’m just wandering in circles all the time
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
just running in circles in my mind
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
take what’s left of me

dislike fireworks

I dislike fireworks they are to noisy and annoying .
Last night was really hard for me with all the noise it is like as soon as it was dark outside people were lighting off fireworks .
I dislike the boom sounds they make , I didn’t sleep well at all as for the fireworks going off at all hours .
I wonder why there are no laws to enforce firework free zones ?

hide

I fight to hide the tears
I battle the fears
Daily I struggle to understand
Why is this happening
It seems my life is a mess
Nothing makes sense
Nothing ever goes as planned
I don’t know what to do about the stress

Description of Depression in poplar book series

This is a very acute description of what depression feels like and what it manifests itself as.foggy figure

 

J.K. Rowling came up with the Dementor characters during an episode of clinical depression; substitute “Depression” for “Dementors” and you have an apt description:

Depression’s are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near Depression and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Depression will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

They don’t need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they’re trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks.

And, like the infamous Dementor’s Kiss, the depressed person feels:

There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just… exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever…lost.Dementors

Praying for strentgh

I am so depressed and despondent
Frustration is a daily occurrence
hopelessness is caused by the mind numbing monotony of boredom
Sleep is elusive and ever fleeting

Dreams are none existent

Life is always in shades of gray

nothing happy ever stays

darkness shadows and ghost haunt the walls of my mind

tormenting me at all hours

should haves

could haves

would haves

always getting in the way

All I can do is fall down and pray

Pray for hope

Pray for strength

Pray for patience

Pray for Allah to show me the way out of this gray

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

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Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o

 

 

bipolar poem

So… bi polar is our ‘thing’,
It has a certain ‘ring’,
It makes me mad,
It makes me sad,
But also makes me sing…

It makes me want to bleed,
..Mostly out of need,
So use a knife,
Improve my life,
…inside I’m still not freed.
I chase everyone away,
God forbid they ever stay.
Make a wife???
…I have no life…!!
Alone is the only way.

I found a group online,
Supporting lives like mine.
I have made new friends,
No bitter ends,
You all have all my time.

Without you in my life,
I wont make a decent wife.
I will use my knife,
And end my strife,
Reach things beyond our time.

For this hour I’m feeling cheery,
Had the urge to post this rhyme,
So far less of the dreary
I find u all sublime…
Bi polar, plus all the others,
= everything my life covers!..

Averse Reactions and weight gain

As salam alikum

I haven’t written in a while to be honest I have had a lot going on and just haven’t had the time to catch my breath let alone write so here’s a brief update :

I tried a IUD ( form of birth control with hormones) and in the 3 months I had it I gained 21 pounds Yes 21 pounds and I’ve had a long period over 4 weeks long it made me feel blah cranky and all around horrible so on the 27th I had it removed and my body decided to get revenge on me I still have a period and very bad cramps ( checked with doctor and she said total normal some times I want to scream…………………………

My toddler is still bouncing off the walls and messing up the house as soon as I get it clean .