Surrounded by Depressed Fog

I weep my heart out 

no one cares

slowly I have fallen 

down into the gray blackness of

despair 

anguishing for hours 

can barely left my head 

dragging  myself through the days 

I  paste  on a mask and hope none sees through

my pain is always bubbling up, just beneath; 

never rising  

I hide the tears and fears 

depression slowly pulls me down 

lower  than the darkest hour 

I cry out to Allah to give me relief from the never ending battle

I am bone weary how much longer must I fight against this losing battle 

I have fought for years and nothing ever changes 

the struggles of depression makes me forget how to smile or laugh

I feel like a big damp cold colorless fog holds onto me

 

  

how I have been feeling

I haven’t been blogging or even writting for that matter to be completely honest I have been struggling with the depression .

Nothing helps it I have tried medications , excise , Prayer keeping busy but it just sneaks up and pounces on me some days are better than others but as of late I have been really feeling just blah and pain actualy physical pain not sure as to why I feel this way nothing has really changed it is like carrying around a big bag of rocks it is heavy and hurts but I can’t seem to lose the rocks , I can’t really sleep and when I do sleep I have weird and disjointed dreams I feel disconnected from life and have no appeite for food it is to the point that I have to force myself to eat food .

No one in my family understands how I feel , I feel alone and isolated even when I am surrounded by people I feel like I am in a bubble and cannot connect depression is just exhausting I try and escape by watching old reruns of tv shows . I want to feel something other than sad , I have no goals or dreams anymore all I do is exist depression just hurts but I am the only one who feels itOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

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Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o

 

 

Blah

Blah is how I feel I lay awake in bed with my head on the pillow feeling a great weight in my chest doesn’t matter which way I turn the weight bares down ever pressing like a tightly wound ball of panic it just sits and waits it is waiting for the right time to erupt I have fought this feeling daily everyday for as long as I can remember some days are better then others some things work better than others to keep this feeling at bay what it’s called it just depends on whom you ask some call it the Black Dog others call it the eternal Fog , the dark depressions there are more names to describe it then one knows , some medications keep it at bay but the price one has to pay some cost lots of money and others effect your health they may keep it at bay but it makes you feel psychically tired and ill , there is no perfect way to treat the Fog most days I just try and survive  to the next day some days it’s so bad that all I can do is curl into a ball and tune the world out . I have often wondered why was I chosen to have this great burden of the great gray black fog ? Does it choose or is it completely random? I feel like I am barely holding it together I had to stop all my medications due to the effects they were having on my health since stopping my medications I feel restless and tired as well as agitated  it doesn’t help that I am cooped up in a country were there is nothing to do all they do here is try and feed me and give me tea and expect me to sleep, Someday I want toImage scream I don’t want any tea I don’t have any chores per say unless you count making ones own bed and bathing dressing as a chore since being here I haven’t been able to cook ,they won’t let me do anything I feel so useless