Explaining Depression

Slumping in depression and sadness that rocked me to the core.

Reality has hit.

My world isn’t the same everything has changed !

Gone are the rose tinted glasses

Gone is the sprinkling of light rain showers filled with the laughter of children splashing in the puddles.

When I outside all I see is gray fog filled everything in muted colors ,

Like all the colors are washed away and then replaced with gray ,

Gray in varying shades depending on the hour and how I feel sometimes I can escape from the sadness and depression

But it’s usually short lived and it’s getting harder and harder to find ways to not feel so bad

Living life with a chronic recurring mental illness is very lonely and at times isolating, Then there are the times when you want to do things and feel better but nothing seems to actually help,

This is when you just try to survive on good enough yes there are days when good enough is all I can do

Then other days were good enough and plastering on my mask and get through the day until I can go hide away and cry.

Hypo manic mixed state

skin is antisy and creepy crawling inside with anguish and annoying deep within my soul 

anguished despairing dark deepness of all my life 

depressed despair! filled with grayish green blackness that noone else understands or cares 

its like staring into a abyss and the abyss stares back 

but no matter how deep the abyss is its up to you to jump or not! 

 

Ode To Lost Sleep

Sleep fails me more and moreI lay awake tossing and turning, 

My mind unable to quit down  

Staring at the wall and ceiling gets old fast

I dont know what happened and why I cant sleep 

None of the sleep soultions help 

I feel helpless and hopeless 

My mind dwells in darkness of shadowy sadness, 

And unending sorrows

I silently cry tears of fears and sorrows that only I know, 

About noone sees the shadow of my life’s struggles against this thief, 

Bipolar has many mangled sides to it ,watch closely and it will steal everything

Starting with the thoughts of happiness it will replace them with gloom and doom worries about Silly things as well what if if only!

Then your to tired and worried to sleep so you just pass the time and worry and fear eats away 

You peaceful slumber by the time you have figured it out the problem isn’t easily remedy. 

 

Bipolar moods , how I feel

I am agitated beyond anything everything is grating on my nerves And annoying me 

My hurts so much 

Ugh!!

Ugh!! 

My mood is peevish over nothing 

Can one always be defeated by bipolars chemical hell?​ 

I stuggle in the foggy blackish-grey cloak that is bipolar it makes life’s living hellish pains 

Noone else around me understands the silent struggles that go on in my head

I am so sick of people telling me to snap out of it…….

If I could snap out of it i would’ve but bipolar is a illness just like diabetes or heart disease,

It requries treatment and education.

Some people, with bipolar find solutions that work for them 

I havent found anything that works ,

So I muddle through my days as best as I can ! 

 

Alone and Suffering

You see her standing there

The blank sonic look  on her face

You ask her what is wrong

She replies I’m fine

When in reality she is in pain

She hides the pain and hurt no one sees it

She cries herself  to sleep

In the morning she struggles her day

She has given up on ever finding a  friend

She silently prays that the pain will end

She has battled this demon that people call loneliness and depression she don’t know when

No one understands and care how she feels

She silently Prays that Allah will grant her relief

She feels isolated from the muslim community never really fitting in anywhere

Mostly she stays to herself , best thing you could do to help her is reach out offer to have tea or just talk loneliness hurts more than you know

Please do not judge her she is trying her best to survive  taking it one day at a time

Kindness and caring go along way so does saying as salam alikum sister how are you doing and actually listening because under the softly spoken I’m fine there is a catch and pause in her voice and the look in her eyes cries I’m not ok please hug me and let me know I’m not alone!

But most of the time it is ignored and she just suffers in silence alone as always

 

 

Stir Fried Vegetables With Peanut Sauce

1/4 cup oil 1 onion sliced

1/2 inch piece of ginger sliced

1 inch fresh Turmeric sliced

5 pieces garlic peeled and sliced 

1 cup mushrooms sliced  

1/2 pound firm tofu cubed

1 head broccoli broken into small pieces  

1 bell pepper sliced 

1 yellow zucchini sliced
3/4 cup peanut butter 

4 tablespoons soy sauce

2 teaspoons nutritional yeast 

1/2 cup water 

Prep vegetables slice and set aside 

In wok heat oil and add garlic , ginger and Turmeric root sauté for 2 minutes add mushrooms , onions , broccoli, bell pepper and zucchini sauté until vegetables are tender
In sauce pan combined peanut butter ,soy sauce and nutritional yeast add water and stir till smooth and warm then add to vegetables and serve hot  

  

Breakfast Green Smoothie

Take 8 apples and
3 pears slice into chunks Three stalks of celery

A piece of ginger about 1/2 inch piece 

Run through juicer then add to blender with 

One avocado

Two bananas

Blend  until creamy pour over ice and serve

Feeling Exhuasted

As Salam Alikum Readers 

I haven’t really been blogging much just haven’t felt that well been dealing with stomach pains and sleeplessness , extreme fatigue with dizziness as well as having most of my hair fall out in a very short amount of time, have seen a doctor and she’s stumped sending me to dermatology in sha Allah on Thursday . My mood hasn’t been that great but I mange to make it through the days nights are harder I try to sleep but it doesn’t happen so I read books .