Bipolar Word Salad

I am an empty shell yet no one can tell , they cannot see this hell I am in . I can tell no one it is hard to describe I am just a empty shell.

My heart feels very heavy and tired all the time , I am battling depression and it is exhausting . I feel like a old cranky creaky lady there is only gloom and doom ! Why is my brain broken?

Depression…….well…..It’s weird …. is and isn’t here , Depression is sneaky!

I am blah today I feel off haven’t been sleeping well all I do is toss and turn I need to feel better.

I am Gone

I have no song

I feel sad and bad

I have been gone for so long


No one notices me

I am a shell of my former self

I am in hell

I suffer in silence

I want to scream but can’t

I don’t have any dreams it seems like I am just a shell get me out of this hell.

Depression is Blah it Sucks!

I have no song it has been so long gone

I have no voice it’s gone so long ago

I am just a shadow that no one sees

I am here for I don’t know why just alone am I.

12 Things To Let Go If You Want To Be Happy!

12 Things To Let Go If You Want To Be Happy!
Are we rewarded for our good deeds in the hereafter only, or also in this life? The answer is in the Quran.
In this week’s central ayah Allah ‘azza wa jal says: Whosoever does right, whether male or female, and is a believer, we shall make them live a good life (in this world), and We shall pay them a recompense in proportion to the best of what they used to do. [Quran, 16: 97]
There’s a reward in this world and it’s called the “good life.” But what is this “good life?” The good life includes feeling tranquility in all aspects of life: Ali ibn Abi Talib radiyallahu ‘anhu interpreted as contentment. This was also the opinion of Ibn Abbas, Ikrimah and Wahb bin Munabbih. Ali bin Abi Talhah recorded from Ibn Abbas that it meant happiness. [Tafseer ibn Katheer]
Do you feel unhappiness more often than you feel joy? More important, do you know why you feel like this? Let’s take a look at the 12 things you need to release from your life if you want to feel happy.
12 Things To Let Go If You Want To Be Happy!
1.      Let go of wanting to be in control. Do you try to always bend things or people to your way, trying to control the situation and getting upset if it doesn’t seem to work? Truly trusting your affairs to Allah Al-Wakeel means you do your bit and trust He will give you the best result. By letting it go it all gets done, said Lao Tzu.  This will give you the most amazing serenity inside and it is an act of worship!
Motivation: (He is) Lord of the East and the West. There is no god but He. Take Him therefore as Disposer of your Affairs. [Quran, 73: 9]
2.      Let go of complaining. The shopping was too expensive. The weather too hot. The children too tiring. When did complaining ever help? Does complaining to others— or to yourself— make you feel honorable? A situation can only make you sad if you allow it to. Positive thinking is extremely powerful! You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. (Ziggy)
Motivation: Look at those who stand at a lower level than you but don’t look at those who stand at a higher level than you, for this would make the favors (conferred upon you by Allah) insignificant (in your eyes). [Saheeh Muslim]
3.      Let go of always wanting to be right. Do you always want to be right, even if it ends up in an argument? This is your nafs (ego) speaking. What is more important, being right, or being kind?
Motivation: The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam said, “I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right . . . (part of the hadith)” [Sunan Abu Dawud]
4.      Let go of criticizing others. What is your true intention when you criticize someone? Is it for the sake of Allah or is it for your own image or reputation?
Motivation: The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam said: Make things easy for the people, and do not make it difficult for them, and make them calm (with glad tidings) and do not repel them (i.e. make them hate good deeds and run away from Islam). [Saheeh Bukharee]
5.      Let go of low self-esteem. A low self-image can really stand in the way of you taking action and better the world and yourself with the skills Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala gave you. Belief and good deeds make you the best of creatures. So get rid of the self-defeating mindset, you really are better than that. Why? Because Allah says so!
Verily, those who believe [in the Oneness of Allah, and in His Messenger Muhammad (Peace be upon him) including all obligations ordered by Islam] and do righteous good deeds, they are the best of creatures. [Quran, 98:7]
6.      Let go of blaming others. “His fault. Her fault. Not me.” Do you notice that you are always blaming others for what you don’t like in your life? Stop putting your moods and happiness in the hands of others and take responsibility yourself!
Motivation: Whosoever does righteous good deed it is for (the benefit of) his own self, and whosoever does evil, it is against his own self, and your Lord is not at all unjust to (His) slaves. [Quran, Surah Fussilat, ayah 46]
7.      Let go of impressing others. Don’t be someone you are not. Impressing others brings stress, impressing Allah ‘azza wa jal makes you happy and safe in the next life!
Motivation: The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam said: Whoever seeks knowledge in order to compete with the scholars, or to debate with the foolish, or to draw people’s attention, Allah will put him into the Fire. [Narrated from At-Tirmidhi as taken from Mishkat]
8.      Let go of attachment. Attachment often comes from a place of fear. Love and attachment are two different things.  You can love a person or even an object but you should not attach yourself to it, being left completely empty when you lose it. Without realizing it we attach our self to this world too much, to its people, to its belongings and to its places.
Motivation: O Men, if you have been worshipping Muhammad, then know that Muhammad is dead. But if you have been worshiping Allah, then know that Allah is living and never dies. [Abu Bakr radiyallahu ‘anhu]
9.Let go of your excuses. Most people who fail are the one who have a habit of making excuses. “I’m too old to learn Quran!” “I’m too young to practice Islam.” Your excuses are standing in the way of your own happiness!
Motivation:  The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam said: Mankind will not perish till they make excuses for their conduct to themselves. [Mishkat]
10.  Let go of the past. Tell yourself that the time to be happy is now. Everything happened for a reason. Live in the present.
Motivation: No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allah’s Decree. [Umar ibn al-Khattab radiyallahu ‘anhu]

11.  Let go of your fears. “What if I become poor, what if I become ill, what if my spouse leaves me?” Fear is just an illusion. When you let go of your fears and only fear Allah, you will feel much more happy!
Motivation: It is only Satan that suggests to you the fear of his allies. So, do not fear them, and fear Me if you are believers. [Quran, 3: 175] 12.  Let go of living up to others’ expectations. Fearing other people’s opinions is something that truly stands in the way of our happiness. Do you constantly worry about what people might think of you? Pleasing Allah is easy, pleasing people is hard, subhanAllah!
Motivation:  The Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa salaam said: If anyone seeks Allah’s satisfaction at the expense of people’s anger, Allah will be pleased with him and will cause people to be pleased with him. However, if anyone seeks people’s satisfaction at the expense of Allah’s anger, Allah will be angry with him and will cause people to be angry with him. [Ibn Hibban]

Praying you will benefit,

The Different Types Of Patience


We constantly hear about patience in Islam. There are many verses and hadeeth which tell us to be patient. Many of us have grown  up being told by our parents, elders, teachers and even friends that we need to be patient. For those that were patient they were told to be more patient. So whether or not we as a people were raised in Islam or not we were brought up on this word patient for the most part. The only thing missing was the fact that not to many of us had someone sit us down and explain to us what this patience its and how is it properly applied. Most of us are adults now, and we see that how patience is practiced changes depending on the situation.
The situation we want to talk about today is patience in Islam. We see that over and over Allah commands us with patience. Like where he commands {Seek aid though patience and prayer} (2:45). In the same Surah He commands the believers with {Oh you who believe, seek assistance though patience and and prayer…} (2:153). Now in order to carry out what we have been commanded with in terms of  seeking assistance through  patience we need to understand exactly how we do this.
Sheikh Zaid al Madkhali made this ever so clear in his explanation to the well known book The Three Fundamental Principles. This is what we wanted to share with you today. About this subject of patience the Sheikh said while explaining about those that call one another to patience that this patience must be in different things. Here is what the Sheikh explained;
This is patience in all of its types, which are;
  • The first type is patience upon Allah’s obedience. This means that the individual does that which Allah has commanded of him desiring Allah’s reward, and fearing his punishment for falling short.
  • The second type is patience upon the disobedience of Allah. So he stays away from Allah’s disobedience because of all of the danger that comes with it in this life, in the grave and in the here after. The previous nations (that Allah informed us of in His book) who came before were not destroyed except due to their disobedience. From them are those that Allah drowned. From them are those that were destroyed by natural disasters. As well, from there are those that the earth swallowed up. How ever they were destroyed, it was because of their disobedience to Allah. This is because Allah loves to be obeyed and not disobeyed. So we see that disobeying Him leads to His anger, displeasure and painful punishment. This makes clear that one of the types of patience is to be patient in terms of the disobedience of Allah. Again this means to stay away from disobeying Allah. If a person does fall into disobedience then they hurry and turn back to Allah in sincere repentance. They try their hardest to follow up a bad deeds with good deeds. Allah said in His book {Verily the good deeds wipe away the bad deeds} (11:114).

The third type of patience is the patience in Allah’s decree and his rule over his slaves. Nothing moves in the universe, nothing happens or come about except that Allah is the one that is in control of it. So there has to be patience. Patience is a must when dealing with things that effect us in ourselves, our children, our money or other then these things which are from the sunnah of Allah in the creation.You will find that the creation is tried with all types of afflictions. You see that this one is afflicted with poverty, that one with sickness, this one with worry etc. Nothing helps in these situation  except patience, and looking forward to the reward that will come from Allah. This is done by looking forward to the reward of the patient ones to whom Allah has given glad tidings to when He said, {And give glad tidings to the patient} (2:155). Also Allah said {Verliy the patient will be given their reward with no reconing} (39:10). Becasue of the great position patince holds we find that Allah advised the Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessing be upon him) when He said to Him {and be patient, verily your patience is from none but Allah} (16:127). Allah taught Him that patience was from the characteristics of the Prophets {Be patient just like the Messengers of strong will} (46:35). As well, He praised the people of intellect in His statement {But it is only the men of understanding that pay heed. Those that fuflil their covenant with Allah and do not break it. Those who join the things that Allah has commanded that they be joined, the fear their Lord and a terible reconing} To the statement of Allah {And those that have patience seeking the face of their Lord.} (13:19-22).

So it is necessary to define patience by that type that is done for the purpose of seeing the face of Allah and the here after. The purpose of patience is not to be said about someone that he is  of the people of patience and the likes. But rather what is meant is the type of patience that nothing is wanted by it other then the face of Allah. This is because it is from the best of the types of worship that must be practiced by the people of Islam, and Emaan and Ihsaan.
In conclustion we see here that the sheikh not only has cleared up for us what is meantby this patience that we have been commanded with, but also explained how we are supposed to carry this patience out in all aspects of our lives. May Allah make us of those that are patient and do all that we do solely for his sake. May He also make us of thosse that hear the truth and act accordingly. Allahuma ameen.

What the heck is ‘letting go’ ?

What the heck is ‘letting go’ ?

Does that mean that I don’t feel ?
that I don’t want,
that I don’t love ?
Is it numbness ?
When we define letting go as these things, letting go becomes an impossible task.
It’s almost like we are asked to stop being human, that we will become vegetables.
But letting go allows you to be more human. A peaceful, reassured, productive human being.
*Letting go is true tawakkul.*
As we are told, we have three basic desires:
-the desire for control,
-the desire for security and
-the desire for approval.
-the desire for control,

These desires then generate our emotions- we may feel apprehensive, afraid, nervous, enraged (and countless others).
And those emotions produce our millions of thoughts- ‘what if..’… ‘this situation is sooo bad…’
And those thoughts and emotions imprison us.
We act or don’t act
not based on what is best, but because our desires dominate the conversation in our head.

So letting go is the act of freeing yourself of these desires by entrusting your affairs to the One who ultimately has control control over your affairs. Too theoretical?

What are the practical effects of letting go i.e. tawakkul?
We sometimes think tawakkul means not doing anything.
We think that letting go means letting go of something physically but still being attached to it in our hearts. 
And that’s where the emotional roller-coaster starts. 
But it’s actually the opposite.
If you let go, your thoughts and emotions are not constrained by your desires- more specifically, your lacks (because you desire only that which you don’t have).
So your actions are not dictated by your out-of-control emotions or you being overly
cautious because you are scared, or a ridiculous sense of pride or stubbornness.
But rather, because you are free,    you can actually make decisions you are comfortable with.
You let go because at the end of the day, you know that you have to do the best you can with your limited resources, and with Allah is the decision.
And not just any decision, but the BEST decision.
If you can honestly feel that in your heart, then you know you have let go.
You feel utter and absolute peace.    Who else would you rather have   control over all of your affairs ?!
Try it.
You might feel scared to begin with.  It may even cause tears. Because letting go is easy but
the nafs makes it seem like a mountain.
We are not used to feeling freedom. And the nafs wants us to hold on to what we do know,
even though what we know is causing us unnecessary drama
And once you let go, actually doing things becomes much easier. and so does not doing things, for that matter.
Because your nafs is at peace – an-nafs al-mutma’ina- and therefore you know what the
situation requires.

Sometimes it requires persistence.
Sometimes it requires for you to wait.
Sometimes it requires you leaving it completely and doing something else. 
And it could also require you to go back to that which you left.

In depression

Hello darkness in thee I am bound,

You are all around crowding out all the light .

I fight with all my might yet you steal all the delight.

Depression and darkness are close friends ,where one is the other isn’t far behind.

I feel like crying , I feel sad and tired and I have no reason to I get enough sleep well most people think I do.

What they don’t know is I spend most of the night tossing and turning trying to shut my brain off yes my brain is broken just racing and intrusive thoughts it is exhausting .

I have all these ideas and words swirling around but when I try and express them they get all jumbled up confused like word salad or word vomit none of it makes much sense .

I feel like I am adrift in a bubble where all I get is passing touches never much more than that no one can reach me this is what it feels like to live with depression . Depression hurts from the inside out it is a creeping slow silent pain and by the time you realize it it’s already hit you hard and sucked out all the bright all that is left is the dark and gloom along with doubt and sorrow and wordering if there will be a tomorrow.

Sick while aboard

I am in a foreign country and that is nice yes its’ nice here but it is getting super boring I mean come on I won’t break if I do a chore or two since I have been here I have been treated like I am sickly well I might have some weird Moroccan virus but so does other people and they live here so stop treating me like I am going to break ( aka my hubby)

I have slept so much since I’ve got here that I can’t sleep anymore sometimes I just come up to my room and lay down  just to escape the stares and the talk yes I know that my hubby is making fun of me in a foreign language I’m not stupid just because I have bipolar and dyslexia doesn’t mean I can’t learn it just means that my brain learns differently the one thing about a dyslexic brain is once I finally learn something it sticks and I do not forget it , also just because I can’t pronounce the words does not mean that I don’t understand them also I am very good at reading body language .


I will admit that I have been having a bit of trouble with the bipolar since I had to stop the medications but I have been managing the symptoms to the best of my abilities so far so good it is very hard feeling fine one minute then the next feeling so down and exhausted and sad the next right now I am in what’s called a mixed state both manic and depressed all mixed up like in a blender fine and scrubbing the bathroom clean and shiny then half a hour later hiding in the darkened bedroom and trying to quietly cry and make sure that my eyes don’t get all puffy and red .

Come to find out that my hubby’s family has bipolar in it ( I talked to his sister we used Google translation to bridge the gap and what french I know yes I know mine is mostly food related but what the hay use whatever works ) I like hubby’s Sister a lot she is very nice and she always calls hubby on his crap yes hubby has been pulling some crap lately like yesterday we went to the weekly market and were just looking well he looked everytime I looked he was like no good lets go hello you wouldn’t know good if it bit you on the ass yes I told this to hubby and his sister asked him what I said so he translated and she just laughed and then let into him for being so rudeImage


قبول القطبين الاكتئاب

لماذا هو مقبول لديك مرض جسدي والناس سوف انحنى إلى الوراء للمساعدة تشعر أنك أفضل؟

ولكن إذا كان أحد لديه مرض عقلي ثم أنها يجب أن يعاني في صمت وإذا كانت حصة لديهم مرض عقلي ثم الناس سوف نحكم عليهم وتسمية المرض العقلي هو 1000 مرة أكثر سوءا من وجود المرض الجسدي مع الناس مرض جسدي على استعداد للمساعدة تحصل على أفضل ولكن اجتاحت العقلية تحت السجادة وليس تحدثت عنه.

أنها اتخذت لي سنوات عديدة للتصالح مع حقيقة أن لدي مرض عقلي أو كما أحب أن يضع هو مرض يصيب الدماغ هناك الكثير حول اضطرابات المزاج الذي هو قيد المبلغ عنها وغير مفهومة لقد جئت لقبول حقيقة لا أستطيع أن أغير الدماغ ومعظم الوقت عندما أشعر بالاكتئاب هو ذهني وجود صورة على شاشة.

هناك أشياء يمكنني القيام به لجعل نفسي يشعر على نحو أفضل مثل المكوس والحصول على قسط كاف من النوم والسيطرة على كل ما بوسعي

Accepting Bipolar depression

Why is it acceptable to have a physical illness and people will bend over backwards to help you feel better?

But if one has a mental illness then they have to suffer in silence and if they share they have a mental illness then people  will judge and label them mental illness is 1000 times worse than having a physical illness with a physical illness people are willing to help you get better but mental is swept under the carpet and not talked about .

It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that I have a mental illness or as I like to put it a disease of the brain there is so much about mood disorders that is under reported and not understood I have come to accept the fact that I can’t change my brain and most of the time when I feel depressed it is my brain having a blip .

There are things I can do to make myself feel better like excise and get enough sleep   and controlling what I can


Blah is how I feel I lay awake in bed with my head on the pillow feeling a great weight in my chest doesn’t matter which way I turn the weight bares down ever pressing like a tightly wound ball of panic it just sits and waits it is waiting for the right time to erupt I have fought this feeling daily everyday for as long as I can remember some days are better then others some things work better than others to keep this feeling at bay what it’s called it just depends on whom you ask some call it the Black Dog others call it the eternal Fog , the dark depressions there are more names to describe it then one knows , some medications keep it at bay but the price one has to pay some cost lots of money and others effect your health they may keep it at bay but it makes you feel psychically tired and ill , there is no perfect way to treat the Fog most days I just try and survive  to the next day some days it’s so bad that all I can do is curl into a ball and tune the world out . I have often wondered why was I chosen to have this great burden of the great gray black fog ? Does it choose or is it completely random? I feel like I am barely holding it together I had to stop all my medications due to the effects they were having on my health since stopping my medications I feel restless and tired as well as agitated  it doesn’t help that I am cooped up in a country were there is nothing to do all they do here is try and feed me and give me tea and expect me to sleep, Someday I want toImage scream I don’t want any tea I don’t have any chores per say unless you count making ones own bed and bathing dressing as a chore since being here I haven’t been able to cook ,they won’t let me do anything I feel so useless