Never-ending Thoughts
My thoughts are many, but fragments;
Each one not making any sense on its own.
Haven’t quite figured out how to put all the pieces together;
Perhaps…no, that would be the easy way out.
Each end looking for a beginning;
Each beginning keeps starting over.
Is it the past merely repeating itself?
Or is it trying to teach a lesson that can’t be learned?
The answer is somewhere between the beginning and the end.
Because the end, ultimately, is death.
Void, canceled, simply annulled.
Endlessly aching, unconcealed.
Life without you, cause without reason.
Touch without sense, time without season.
I face life now facing a cancerous sore,
A sordid parasite that eats at my core.
All that makes me whole, all I hold deep within,
Leaving me lifeless, or at least not living’.
A shallow face, anguished and marred.
An empty space, scaled and scarred.
Sweetly abiding to a cynical charade.
Secretly hiding ‘hind a fictitious facade.
Still, lost within this heart of glass,
This fragile and yet unfeeling mass.
Lies the remains of a love that glowed,
The gift to you I once bestowed.
But honor and pride now bereaved-
By your love for me so misconceived,
Ripped from my inner depths, impeding-
Mind and body and spirit, bleeding;
Now’s crushed to sand from thy ruthless hand,
A cold stare I just can’t understand.
I feel that somehow, somehow I’m dying,
At least my soul and all that’s underlying.
A simple void, is that what I’ve become?
The hollowed sphere on a pendulum.
Swinging back and forth, emotion to emotion,
Never once stopping, nor slowing the motion.
No reason, no answer, no justification.
The creation of a sterile imagination.
Just passing through time as time passes me.
Merely a nothing- nothing, merely, left to be.
Sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard.
Mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd.
All empathy lying ungraced, unemployed,
I live my life dying, unembraced, a void.
I feel sad and empty blue loneliness I desperately deeply despair oh
I despair
I despise feelings of sad empty loneliness and despair
I cry secretly and silently, in the deepest darkness of night when all of the others slumber.
In the daylight I deny crying in the night
I movethrough life in a sonic state ,
My life is like ground hogs day over and over again.
Nothing, changes and everything stays the same.
skin is antisy and creepy crawling inside with anguish and annoying deep within my soul
anguished despairing dark deepness of all my life
depressed despair! filled with grayish green blackness that noone else understands or cares
its like staring into a abyss and the abyss stares back
but no matter how deep the abyss is its up to you to jump or not!
Sleep fails me more and moreI lay awake tossing and turning,
My mind unable to quit down
Staring at the wall and ceiling gets old fast
I dont know what happened and why I cant sleep
None of the sleep soultions help
I feel helpless and hopeless
My mind dwells in darkness of shadowy sadness,
And unending sorrows
I silently cry tears of fears and sorrows that only I know,
About noone sees the shadow of my life’s struggles against this thief,
Bipolar has many mangled sides to it ,watch closely and it will steal everything
Starting with the thoughts of happiness it will replace them with gloom and doom worries about Silly things as well what if if only!
Then your to tired and worried to sleep so you just pass the time and worry and fear eats away
You peaceful slumber by the time you have figured it out the problem isn’t easily remedy.
I am agitated beyond anything everything is grating on my nerves And annoying me
My hurts so much
Ugh!!
Ugh!!
My mood is peevish over nothing
Can one always be defeated by bipolars chemical hell?
I stuggle in the foggy blackish-grey cloak that is bipolar it makes life’s living hellish pains
Noone else around me understands the silent struggles that go on in my head
I am so sick of people telling me to snap out of it…….
If I could snap out of it i would’ve but bipolar is a illness just like diabetes or heart disease,
It requries treatment and education.
Some people, with bipolar find solutions that work for them
I havent found anything that works ,
So I muddle through my days as best as I can !
You see her standing there
The blank sonic look on her face
You ask her what is wrong
She replies I’m fine
When in reality she is in pain
She hides the pain and hurt no one sees it
She cries herself to sleep
In the morning she struggles her day
She has given up on ever finding a friend
She silently prays that the pain will end
She has battled this demon that people call loneliness and depression she don’t know when
No one understands and care how she feels
She silently Prays that Allah will grant her relief
She feels isolated from the muslim community never really fitting in anywhere
Mostly she stays to herself , best thing you could do to help her is reach out offer to have tea or just talk loneliness hurts more than you know
Please do not judge her she is trying her best to survive taking it one day at a time
Kindness and caring go along way so does saying as salam alikum sister how are you doing and actually listening because under the softly spoken I’m fine there is a catch and pause in her voice and the look in her eyes cries I’m not ok please hug me and let me know I’m not alone!
But most of the time it is ignored and she just suffers in silence alone as always
As Salam Alikum Readers
I haven’t really been blogging much just haven’t felt that well been dealing with stomach pains and sleeplessness , extreme fatigue with dizziness as well as having most of my hair fall out in a very short amount of time, have seen a doctor and she’s stumped sending me to dermatology in sha Allah on Thursday . My mood hasn’t been that great but I mange to make it through the days nights are harder I try to sleep but it doesn’t happen so I read books .
Dpressedmuslimah 