If I have to be with you,
I need to know if you can be my guiding lights.
I came from my Creator and I want an assurance you can raise
And show me the right way back to my Creator.
Will you be by my side until the end?
Can I tell you my fears deep, and trust them in your heart you’ll keep?

Dad, I will love her 3x more than you…
Can you choose the best mother for me?
Is it asking too much for you to give me a guiding hands that will care
and teach me ways to live my life according to what my Lord wishes?
Nothing is so hard but search will find it out.
Defer not till to-morrow to be wise, to-morrow’s sun to thee may never rise.
Leave no stone un-turned. Don’t leave my fate to chances that she might learn it anyway, The teachings of Islam.
Don’t play with fate flirting with non believers,
Remember there is no gathering a rose without being pricked by thorns.
Your weak heart might give in and by accident gave me
A mother who got no lights of “ILM” to beam my way.
Beware of inborn ethics passed from genes of the enemy of Islam.

Mom, he will be my role model.
I know for every tears i will cry, you will be there to hug
And assure me of your unconditional love to soothe my fears.
I will give you joy and many warm smiles,
Can we share that on good Islamic environment in our home?
I will not forget what’s important to you,
Will you remember what’s important to me too?
With you my whole life and love to share,
If only I know that You truly care?
If you can put my future over your interests and earthly desires,
Then I will know you are a “NUR” light of my life most true.

Finally, I pray to Allah: Let not that happen which I wish, but that which is right, as I am aware, not by years but by attitude is wisdom and Islamic knowledge acquired.

Kindly send this to brothers and illigible sisters. One of them could be my future mom and Dad….please tell them not to forget me and to remember my whispers.
Don’t say I love you, rather say: lihub-bullah – I love you for the sake of Allah

Explaining Depression

Slumping in depression and sadness that rocked me to the core.

Reality has hit.

My world isn’t the same everything has changed !

Gone are the rose tinted glasses

Gone is the sprinkling of light rain showers filled with the laughter of children splashing in the puddles.

When I outside all I see is gray fog filled everything in muted colors ,

Like all the colors are washed away and then replaced with gray ,

Gray in varying shades depending on the hour and how I feel sometimes I can escape from the sadness and depression

But it’s usually short lived and it’s getting harder and harder to find ways to not feel so bad

Living life with a chronic recurring mental illness is very lonely and at times isolating, Then there are the times when you want to do things and feel better but nothing seems to actually help,

This is when you just try to survive on good enough yes there are days when good enough is all I can do

Then other days were good enough and plastering on my mask and get through the day until I can go hide away and cry.

Life Is No Easy Ride

Life was never meant to be an easy ride.It was never meant to be a smooth sail.

The journey in this dunya is expected to be rocky.

The personal battles,

The struggles,

The hardships,

The falls – 

are all part of the tests of this dunya.

But know,

Oh slave of Allah, that too will pass.

For light always follows darkness and ease always enter with hardship,

 followed by another ease, and anticipated rewards.

For did you not hear the words of Allah? 

‘Verily, *with* hardship is ease’?

So keep pushing forward, 

Keep walking even if you can’t see an open door, because Al-Fattah will provide for you from where you didn’t imagine in ways you never expected, through doors you thought were tightly locked.

Your key, is patience. 

Your ultimate weapon, is Dua

And your strength, is in Sujood. 

Your comfort, is in Quran, 

And your ease, is in His remembrance.

For indeed in His remembrance do hearts find true rest and tranquility.

Jummah Mubarak to You and Your Loved Ones.

Remember Me and Mine in your duas in sha Allah ameen.




Ode To Lost Sleep 

Sleep fails me more and moreI lay awake tossing and turning, 

My mind unable to quit down  

Staring at the wall and ceiling gets old fast

I dont know what happened and why I cant sleep 

None of the sleep soultions help 

I feel helpless and hopeless 

My mind dwells in darkness of shadowy sadness, 

And unending sorrows

I silently cry tears of fears and sorrows that only I know, 

About noone sees the shadow of my life’s struggles against this thief, 

Bipolar has many mangled sides to it ,watch closely and it will steal everything

Starting with the thoughts of happiness it will replace them with gloom and doom worries about Silly things as well what if if only!

Then your to tired and worried to sleep so you just pass the time and worry and fear eats away 

You peaceful slumber by the time you have figured it out the problem isn’t easily remedy. 


How Depression Belittles Oneself 

Unfortunately, depression never goes away

Sometimes it seems toget better but other times it rears its cruel despair and drags you down into those dark, foggy distance with all the pain and despair crept into my dreams then engulfed me again.​ 

I can’t help that I suffer through years of it most people in my life belittle and mock me because of depression like it is my fault, I thought educating them would help them understand but all they  do is ignore me and disregard what I say and how I feel.

Do my feelings and wishes and plans not even matter?​ 

What is the point of it all?​ 

I suffer in silnce now noone cares 

I spend my nights silently crying till I cant cry anymore

I spend my days just trying to not cry in front of anyone 

I paste on  a mask of stoicism slipped from time to time.


Begging for Relief

In the middle of those dark hours of lonely nights filled with pain 

and despair, and sorrowful litanies, 

my heart does borrow from tomorrow’s hunger 

trying to gain some freedom from all suffering 

when the moon darkens overhead; 

I am  all alone with my fears and tears falling down from my eyes…​ 

When will my body, and soul be  free from pain and deep dark dismay, 

of depression?

When will Allah grant me the moment of joy and peacefulness,​ strength without self doubt ?

When will prayers become easy-flowing from my heart and lips?

Allah grant me ease from my suffering make my faith stronger than before 

I beg you, for I am your humble servant , following the religion to the  best of my ability .

Struggles of faith

I struggle daily in my faith I am not sure why?

I am struggling but I am

Some days I  find it very hard to get up and do my prayers why?

My limbs are heavy with fatigue

My bones ache

At night I don’t sleep, I just toss and turn cryings quietly into my pillow

My soul aches and I can’t seem to stop the pain

All I can do is say Bismillah 

Wait for the pain to pass

I would never wish this pain on anyone it is quietly wrenching it is  soul sucking

Why Allah   Do I have this struggle and fight for everything? 

reflections of a parent

I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to the masjed, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can advise you about friends, but I cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life,but I cannot build your reputation.
I can warn you about drink, but I cannot say “no” for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can’t prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can’t achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can’t force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins , but I cannot make you moral.
I can pray for you , but I cannot make you pray .
I love you always like a child no matter how old you are.

letter never sent

You promised me everything
You never gave me anything
And hurt feelings
You didn’t care for me this now I can see
You are so selfish all you cared about is staying
in America
You never spent time with me
You don’t know me
If you knew me you would have known I was unhappy
And in pain you would have heard me when I talked to
You, you would have listened and changed
You would have made it right but no selfish you
All you care about is cars, money and yourself
If you cared about me you would have spent time
With me you would have done partner yoga and
Counseling when I asked you to
Instead you left me alone slowly my hopes faded
My dreams died and I cried myself to sleep your famous
last lie was I still love her” you
Don’t love me or care for me if you did you wouldn’t
Have forced me to have anal sex you would have seen
That I was unhappy you would have tried to help but no
You just let me be unhappy
Silently I cry myself to sleep and silently my
Heart crumbles away
The sad thing
Is that I loved you
I still do
I do not feel like a human when around you
You are unhealthy you lead to stress in my
You hurt me ignore me and demean me
I do not want my children to grow up seeing
So I have to let you go
I hope you realize that you
You lost a faithful loving wife because you
Didn’t care about her
She tried to reach you
But you blocked her out with walls and by
Avoiding her
It doesn’t matter
You don’t care and you will never understand
She was delicate as a leaf in the wind
Strong as a mountain
Brave as a knight
Gentle as a lamb
Sweet as honey
And now she is sad
As a clown crying tears of sorrow
Her tomorrow was shattered and you didn’t Care Allah Hafiz