The struggle contuines ……………………………………………………..

As salam alikum all

I am still struggling with depression some days I feel better than other days ,

I have taken some positive steps I have called and set up counseling appointments and I make myself go outside and take a walk every day to get fresh air and a bit of vitamin D .

Yesterday I spent a good 2 hours maybe more looking at books in the library found a few good ones to read ….

Sometimes when one is depressed they must make themselves do things even if they don’t feel like it which is what I have been doing

Ramadan has passed in a fog of depression

as salam alikum all :

I haven’t been a good blogger in fact I have been kinda self centered yes I was selfish I will admit to that,

also I have been struggling with DEPRESSION yes having DEPRESSION is very hard and it just plain old sucks  !

Some of the things I feel when I am depressed are isolated even though I live in a city full of people yes one can feel isolated and still be surrounded by people it is more common than one knows .

Stuck and sinking are other feeling one might have , detached and drifting .

One doesn’t ask to be depressed depression is sneaky it will start out small and one may not notice how or were the feelings come from , some people get depression from stuff that’s happened to them and other people inherit it from their families .

I think my depression comes from a mix mostly though it has been inherited from my family passed down like a great heavy burden .

Depression is a lonely illness not everyone understands what it’s like to have it and other people try to be helpful but give terrible advice like oh you can just snap out of being depressed , or my all time favorite is depression is a choice just move on ( this is when I want to slap the person who said this ! a choice do you also get to choose your genes? no some people are born with a genetic link to depression and they never choose this it just was so do not say just snap out of it).

I spend all of my Ramadan this year in the deep dark foggy bog of depression to explain to someone who has never experienced depression what it feels like it’s actually really hard to describe I will try my best this is how I experience depression :

I am in the middle of a sandy boggy place it is isolating all around is gray silver fog it’s hard to see through it I can hear people talking to me but at this point I am so exhausted from the struggle of moving through the boggy sand it is like quicksand the faster I move the deeper I sink !

Talking about it only does so much some days I can shake off the feelings and have what most would call a good day then there are the really bad days the days where nothing seems to help those are the days I dread !

a bad day is like having to do everything in super slow motion with your whole body sore and aching like you spent the whole night running a big race ………………………………….

Depression starts out small like I feel blah blue one can feel this way for a while and not realize that they are falling into the deep dark rabbit hole off depression yes it is like falling down a hole where up and down are confused one’s feeling become numbed where one doesn’t feel joy , happiness, excitement or hope 

depressions favorite feelings are self doubt , anger ,rage, and loneliness once those feelings set in it is so easy for one to start isolating themselves and make excuses to avoid going out with friends and family once that starts then other not good habits start like not returning friends and families phone calls , skipping appointments and not eating right not sleeping right .

What I have learned about depression is that there are many causes most are small and sneaky !

Some things will help pull a person out of depression and other things will not help a person at all , I say if it works keep doing it if it doesn’t work toss it out and try something new.

The things that I have tried that work for me are

PRAYER TO ALLAH

Taking medication

Keeping a journal

Having a schedule   and sticking to it as best as I can , some days are better than other days

Talking about how I feel and finding helpful blogs to read about dealing with depression this blogs has helped me a lot

http://www.morningwind.org/

surviving life

and a few others but I can’t find them now will inshaallah post them when I find them

and be easy on yourself you are only human and humans make mistakes live and learn , Always pray to Allah for strength and mercy

Hope is within reach with Prayers to Allah

Give but don’t…

Give but don’t allow yourself to be USED.
LOVE but don’t allow your heart to be ABUSED.
TRUST but don’t be NAIVE.
LISTEN to others but don’t lose your own VOICE.

calm waters

life is like a river
on the surface the waters seem calm
but under the surface it is like a murky quicksand of whirlwind emotions

Perhaps only when I truly…

Perhaps only when I truly learn to stop seeking it there at times of loneliness, will I find a relationship I cannot destroy.

Working up the courage to attend any community event has always been something both physically and emotionally draining and ultimately more depressing as it tends to drive the point home even further. Grappling with my health conditions this year just to complete fasting has left me wondering if I really must summon the energy to dare to try again to venture into the world of local muslims, perhaps a new mosque or a new gathering, just to see if something will be different this time, even though I realize I am the common denominator in my own life. I feel an obligation to do something, but there are enough practical difficulties (also known as excuses) in the way that I haven’t yet forced myself to do so this year.

Ramadan struggles

As Salam Alikum all

I haven’t been a good blogger been bogged down my the daily struggles of house and home as well as the good old friend who doesn’t want to leave ( yes I am talking about depression )

Someday s it feels like depression has wrapped itself around me like those vines tha tighten the more you struggle ………………………………………….

This Ramadan has been very hard on me I have tried fasting but it affects my milk supply and takes all my energy ( not that I have much of that anyway ) it feels like I am swimming through sand and sinking further into depression I am not sure how to pull myself out of this one , I haven’t really talked to anyone about the way I have been feeling , why 1. I don’t want to appear weak and needy plus I am the one who is always there for everyone else .

2 . I am not really sure how to express how I feel most days I just get by I have gotten good at maintaining and carrying on even when I feel totally blah and yucky inside , Yes I know I should and need to take time for myself but with a family and friends all depending on me to be strong and their support system it is like I have no one to turn to , I don’t have  my  true vault ( friend who listens doesn’t judge and never repeats what I tell her) She passed away on the 18th of June . I miss her and miss talking with her she was really helpful and kind now she is gone and she left me in charge of her will not a job I asked for and not a job I wanted but I did it to the best that I could .

I have been dealing with health issues and loss of a baby ( yes I had a early miscarriage) I took it pretty hard but life goes on when it knocks you down pick yourself up wipe off the dirt and keep on keeping on  .

I have been having trouble praying I feel like a outcast in the Muslim community why do I feel this way I don’t know I just do maybe it is a defect in me I feel isolated and alone like my depression makes me different also going out to Muslim events is so hard when you have a special needs child who hogs up most of your time ……………………………………………………

I feel like I have Failed