Ramadan struggles

As Salam Alikum all

I haven’t been a good blogger been bogged down my the daily struggles of house and home as well as the good old friend who doesn’t want to leave ( yes I am talking about depression )

Someday s it feels like depression has wrapped itself around me like those vines tha tighten the more you struggle ………………………………………….

This Ramadan has been very hard on me I have tried fasting but it affects my milk supply and takes all my energy ( not that I have much of that anyway ) it feels like I am swimming through sand and sinking further into depression I am not sure how to pull myself out of this one , I haven’t really talked to anyone about the way I have been feeling , why 1. I don’t want to appear weak and needy plus I am the one who is always there for everyone else .

2 . I am not really sure how to express how I feel most days I just get by I have gotten good at maintaining and carrying on even when I feel totally blah and yucky inside , Yes I know I should and need to take time for myself but with a family and friends all depending on me to be strong and their support system it is like I have no one to turn to , I don’t have  my  true vault ( friend who listens doesn’t judge and never repeats what I tell her) She passed away on the 18th of June . I miss her and miss talking with her she was really helpful and kind now she is gone and she left me in charge of her will not a job I asked for and not a job I wanted but I did it to the best that I could .

I have been dealing with health issues and loss of a baby ( yes I had a early miscarriage) I took it pretty hard but life goes on when it knocks you down pick yourself up wipe off the dirt and keep on keeping on  .

I have been having trouble praying I feel like a outcast in the Muslim community why do I feel this way I don’t know I just do maybe it is a defect in me I feel isolated and alone like my depression makes me different also going out to Muslim events is so hard when you have a special needs child who hogs up most of your time ……………………………………………………

I feel like I have Failed