falling down the hole again….

I can feel it all the signs are there I don’t sleep well I feel sad all the time and now I am also not feeling well ……………………………

I have fallen into the hole of depression

I have tried to avoid it but nothing seems to help not really sure who I can talk to about the way I am feeling ………………………………………………………..

So I’ll begin at the beginning this all started on the 17th of the month of June we went to the beach and I was standing in the waves as they crashed into shore standing there.

I was thinking depression is like the waves it crashes up over you and then tries to pull you down in the undertow ,

Depression is the saddest and loneliest illness it has so many symptoms that start out as small nothing .

Aching joints sore bones disturbed sleep then the depression gets worse the next day

I got horrible news a good friend passed away and left me in charge of everything without telling me now

I have people I don’t even know mad at me.

I have to deal with all her stuff and the drama that comes with it I am overwhelmed and the one place I use to look forward to going to every week has became a place that

I am starting to dislike all because of one  person she is being mean to me because I stood up to her .
I feel like I am in quicksand the more

I struggle the faster I sink

I feel alone and have started crying in secret ……………………
I have been skipping meals just not hunger

And even when I am hunger food doesn’t seem to taste good my depression medication has stopped working

I just want to curl up into a tiny ball and cry

Never-ending Thoughts

Never-ending Thoughts

My thoughts are many, but fragments;
Each one not making any sense on its own.

Haven’t quite figured out how to put all the pieces together;
Perhaps…no, that would be the easy way out.

Each end looking for a beginning;
Each beginning keeps starting over.

Is it the past merely repeating itself?
Or is it trying to teach a lesson that can’t be learned?

The answer is somewhere between the beginning and the end.

Because the end, ultimately, is death.

consumed

Consumed

 My soul is weary, 

Heart is crying, 

All around me dreams are dying, 

Hope is fading with the wind, 

Trapped within this web of sin. 

Invisible tears stain my soul, 

This loneliness that no one knows, 

I cry within each day and night, 

These broken wings; 

They long for flight. 

Weary and broken I fall to the floor, 

My soul has been raped and it breathes no more, 

I burn in the ashes of my self-inflicted hell, 

Burdens of hate that I fear to unveil, 

I’m a corpse stained red with guilt and shame,

 The angels fail to ease my pain. 

I fear that my faith is wearing thin,

 Consumed by the madness that screams from within…

Grief

Silence builds an awful wreckage of a person
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void
Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture
A child is stricken and destroyed
There is no sound of laughter or happiness here
the little one has thrown in the towel today
Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul
It is futile to hope and dream and pray
Emptiness builds a home in this woman
in this girl; this child where hollows have bred
a deepening sea of no-whereness consumes
and eats away at every connecting thread
Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains
Destined to walk through life less ordinary
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.

Am I Alone?

I get a funny feeling,
It comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
Wanting to go and hide.

My doctor calls it depression,
My Mom says it’s just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
No one will ever be able to see.

Some say I’m psycho,
Some say I’m just weird.
It’s like I’m a different person,
And the old me just disappeared.

I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
Followed by feeling sad.

I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
It will some day.

Repeat 

I feel sad and empty blue loneliness I desperately deeply despair oh 

I despair 

I despise feelings of sad empty loneliness and despair

I cry secretly and silently, in the deepest darkness of night when all of the others slumber.

In the daylight I deny crying in the night

I movethrough life in a sonic state ,

My life is like ground hogs day over and over again. 

Nothing, changes and everything stays the same.

  

Hypo manic mixed state 

skin is antisy and creepy crawling inside with anguish and annoying deep within my soul 

anguished despairing dark deepness of all my life 

depressed despair! filled with grayish green blackness that noone else understands or cares 

its like staring into a abyss and the abyss stares back 

but no matter how deep the abyss is its up to you to jump or not! 

 

Ode To Lost Sleep 

Sleep fails me more and moreI lay awake tossing and turning, 

My mind unable to quit down  

Staring at the wall and ceiling gets old fast

I dont know what happened and why I cant sleep 

None of the sleep soultions help 

I feel helpless and hopeless 

My mind dwells in darkness of shadowy sadness, 

And unending sorrows

I silently cry tears of fears and sorrows that only I know, 

About noone sees the shadow of my life’s struggles against this thief, 

Bipolar has many mangled sides to it ,watch closely and it will steal everything

Starting with the thoughts of happiness it will replace them with gloom and doom worries about Silly things as well what if if only!

Then your to tired and worried to sleep so you just pass the time and worry and fear eats away 

You peaceful slumber by the time you have figured it out the problem isn’t easily remedy. 

 

Bipolar moods , how I feel 

I am agitated beyond anything everything is grating on my nerves And annoying me 

My hurts so much 

Ugh!!

Ugh!! 

My mood is peevish over nothing 

Can one always be defeated by bipolars chemical hell?​ 

I stuggle in the foggy blackish-grey cloak that is bipolar it makes life’s living hellish pains 

Noone else around me understands the silent struggles that go on in my head

I am so sick of people telling me to snap out of it…….

If I could snap out of it i would’ve but bipolar is a illness just like diabetes or heart disease,

It requries treatment and education.

Some people, with bipolar find solutions that work for them 

I havent found anything that works ,

So I muddle through my days as best as I can ! 

 

Alone and Suffering

You see her standing there

The blank sonic look  on her face

You ask her what is wrong

She replies I’m fine

When in reality she is in pain

She hides the pain and hurt no one sees it

She cries herself  to sleep

In the morning she struggles her day

She has given up on ever finding a  friend

She silently prays that the pain will end

She has battled this demon that people call loneliness and depression she don’t know when

No one understands and care how she feels

She silently Prays that Allah will grant her relief

She feels isolated from the muslim community never really fitting in anywhere

Mostly she stays to herself , best thing you could do to help her is reach out offer to have tea or just talk loneliness hurts more than you know

Please do not judge her she is trying her best to survive  taking it one day at a time

Kindness and caring go along way so does saying as salam alikum sister how are you doing and actually listening because under the softly spoken I’m fine there is a catch and pause in her voice and the look in her eyes cries I’m not ok please hug me and let me know I’m not alone!

But most of the time it is ignored and she just suffers in silence alone as always