When I Woke Up
I woke up to an empty space
That place where I would see your face
The pillow cold, the covers neat
Our big old dog lay at my feet…
…Waiting for me to get up.
I got up to an empty space
I made my coffe in the same old place
Your cup sits empty in the cupboard there
On the counter some breakfast we used to share…
…I cannot eat.
I walked out to an empty space
I drew a smile upon my face
But deep inside my heart would cry
Sometimes so bad I thought I’d die…
…and I do.
They say you took your life. To where? I ask.
It isn’t lying here. The casket gapes
For all to see a face more like some mask
Instead of what is on our memory tapes.
That pin-striped suit and tie–where did they find
An outfit far from your accustomed wear?
So active both in body and in mind
This stillness that you keep gives us a scare
Unlike unanswered phones when we would call.
Out busy with a class, or concert, friend,
Some science project scheduled in the fall.
You planned to visit at semester’s end
But came to us three weeks before your time
Some decades early leaving us behind.
Still I fail to medicate myself
Still I continue to devastate myself
By doing what I know to be a sin
Have I been given a guarantee that in the end
I will Win?
Just because I’m still alive and have an easy living
Doesn’t mean that I’ve been forgiven.
Yes I’m still alive, but how can I expect to survive
Life in the displeasure of Allah?
I say I “love Allah”, but does Allah love me?
Let’s see, just how real is this so-called “Spirituality”
that you profess to possess
But when you’re alone you digress and don’t confess!
Thought that you could fool `em
with that beard And that hijab
Not realizing that at your own heart you have
Taken the deepest stab.
Thought that you could fool them with that thobe
And veil over your face!
How dumb you must have looked in front of the One
Who’s knowledge, hearing and sight penetrate every place!
Why do you feel so secure that Allah is going to forgive you everytime?
Do you really feel secure as you drive home from the scene of your crime?
How do you know the wrath and punishment of Allah isn’t waiting for you around the corner?
Don’t you know that the Angel of Death strikes without A warner?
How long do I think I have to make things right?
By Allah! If I knew the reality of my sins, I couldn’t sleep at night!
Afraid of closing my eyes from fear of dying in my sleep!
Only to wake up in a grave so dark, lonely and deep!
-Who’s your Lord? my own desires…
-Who’s your Prophet? my own desires…
-What’s your religion? following my own desires…
-Well welcome to the Fire! -Welcome to the fire!!
What an awful place to retire!
I ponder over death often.
Not sure if its because of the life I’ve lived or what awaits me in
the Hereafter.
Since none of knows when our time will come, we must live everyday
graciously.
We must forgive and accept forgiveness.
We must embrace life with honor and respect by fearing Allah as best
we can.
We must give to those that have less than us and expect nothing in
return except Allah’s reward.
So I say to you Oh, female servants of Allah, be steadfast in prayers,
perform charity,
Fear Allah with all that you know to be true and love
one another for Allah’s sake since that very Muslim you may not love
in this life, may be the very person who will intercede for you on
that Tremendous Day saving you from the hell fire!
When winter parley promenades,and softly
settles blankets white. Then with wailing
lamenting winds,glides in gleaming
might. Shimmering, dances with
the light. The sun in reverence taking leave.
Turns his friendly face another way. Stands afar
at winter’s solstice,lonely,glinting,gliding.
Winter’s cool crisp fingers fondling earth,in
lingering love.Cradling,crafting,caressing.
Her majesty enthroned,sitting,standing
sliding,undisputed queen.Ebbing,fading,fearing spring,dreading
dying.Capitulates,comply s,dispirited,lays
her scepter down.
As usual it was raining outside
The blessed water from Allah, falling far and wide
I spent my time in my room on my computer
As usual I e-mailed to my sister.
Suddenly, there’s pain on my fingers, Yikes!
The pain won’t stop, it just continues and strikes!
I looked at my fingers, what did I see?
WORMS crawling, eating, biting looking squirmy
tearing away the flesh that I adore
My fingers are pretty no more.
Oh no! I quickly jumped from my seat
The worms take my fingers for meat!
I shook my arms, but the worms ate away,
Biting, tearing my flesh and determined to stay.
“Allah! What did I do wrong?
Why are the worms so strong?”
Then an inner voice said to me
“O Muslim, this is your tragedy.
You wasted your fingers on deeds sinfully.
Was it not you who sent the fake e-mail?
You spread rumors and forwarded tall tales.
Your fingers typed in insults towards our Muslim scholars.
You hurt their feelings and harassed the others.
You designed a web page to insult Islam.
Your fitnah are worse than drinking rum!
You even flirted with the opposite sex on cyberspace
You even used seductive words and dirty phrases!
Instead of having meaningful discussions
You come in all ready for sensations.
Have you forgotten when you die?
Your fingers bear account and they can’t lie.
Your mouth will be shut but the fingers will reveal
everything which you typed on the keyboard to kill.
Your fingers keep no secret and speak for all to know
Repent now! Stop typing insults for show!”
I said “I promise! I promise! I’ll stop it!”
Then the rain stopped the room was lit.
My ears drummed wildly, my thoughts full of fear.
When I looked at my fingers, the worms disappear….
(If you belong to the above category, repent now. For our Lord Allah knows it all.)
Watch my life pass me by in a rear view mirror
pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer
I don’t wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me
I’ve been dying inside
little by little
nowhere to go going out of my mind
and in endless circle
running from myself until
you gave me a reason for standing still
I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me
Falling faster
barely breathing
give me something to believe in
tell me its not all in my head
take what’s left of this man
make me whole once again
cause I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger, like a burning to find a place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded,
I’m half the man I thought I would be
you can have all that’s left
what’s left of me
I’m been dying inside you see
I’m going outa my mind, outa my mind
I’m just wandering in circles all the time
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
just running in circles in my mind
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
take what’s left of me
You never said “I’m leaving ”
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knew why
A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That no one could ever fill
It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn’t go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home
As Salam Alaikum,
Oh you wrapped up in white garments,
you will be honored.
You will be honored with a thorough washing and shrouding.
You will be honored for the good you put forth in this life
You will be prayed for and you will be prayed over!
Oh you wrapped up in white garments,
you will be honored.
You will be honored by those whom you prayed with, ate with, and
loved in this life.
Oh you wrapped up in white garments,
you will be honored with fine cloths, sweet scents and gracious words
from your brethren.
But remember, Oh you wrapped up in white garments,
you will be questioned. You will be alone in your niche, in your
space where no one will be next to you, where no soul will aid you in
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Dpressedmuslimah 