Ramblings after a meltdown

“I feel like I don’t belong in my life”. I feel so out of place. I am having a rough time and I feel like no one understands me .

I feel like I am unheard and invisible as well helpless . I came to Morocco because I though it would be good for a change but I guess I was wrong nothing is going well . I am not getting along with my SIL and to make matters worse my husband is siding with his sister . It started out ok guess the polite period is over . In Morocco everything is always tomorrow tomorrow well I dislike always waiting nothing seems to get done I have been waiting since March to go to the doctor for blood work to check my liver function. Been waiting two months for yarn have ask several times and it’s always tomorrow . As well as waiting to take baby to get his shots that to is tomorrow tomorrow . I also have a nasty rash that won’t go away . Yeah life is tough and rough it likes to knock you around ! 

Changes have always been the most difficult thing for me to handle.
Starting afresh is not an option always. Often I have been faced with changes which I found very difficult to come to terms with. And it is when I hit rock bottom.

I have been told to not act like a wuss and ‘accept’ changes as they come. But no one every told me how! I still haven’t figured out a way to adapt to a change. It becomes even more difficult when more than one change happens simultaneously. At times I am literally scared and I try to hide in the comfort of my house. I shrink back into my shell of desperation. I shrink back into my shell of desperation.  

 I began having panic attacks where my heart would race and I would be short of breath, hyperventilating, sometimes for hours. I began severely dissociating (although I did not know what dissociation was at the time). I would be walking and talking and having no idea what I was doing, where I was going. I felt very “muddled” in the head during those times and would find myself putting garbage in the refrigerator or driving off someplace where suddenly, nothing looked familiar and I had no idea how I got there. My emotions would fluctuate between extreme and overwhelming to numb or non-existent. I literally felt as if I were going crazy and KNEW I needed help. I did not recognize the person I had become

It’s an important part of your journey. After you have had several tantrums, flung yourself down in defeated despair, attempted to medicate yourself out of the feelings you are having, and perhaps just withdrawn into your “safe place” of feeling nothing at all…you may (or may not) finally realize that you *have* to figure this out. The situation may seem like a prison cell with no outlet, and it may seem that someone else, someone who does not have anything good in store for you, holds the keys and all the power over your life.

You know I found that , Depression is rage turned inward .
Most people don’t recognize that . This did not happen over night , and I fell off the wagon a number of times I can tell you . You see as bipolar , we tend to see the world as either ” black or white ” no grey , either all good or all bad . Its the extremes that define the condition right ? I started looking at things , carefully and delayed my reaction to things ( Its really hard at times , when you are caught in the moment and the emotion ) I started looking for the grey , I found it a little at a time .

Sometimes , I found that things well they sucked , but at the same time it wasn’t the worst thing in the world sometimes they were in fact ” life altering bad ”
There were times where I just gave myself ” permission ” to feel bad like this past year . I didn’t beat myself up over feeling bad . On the thought of ” suicidal ” thoughts ” this is controversial I know . But when I felt like I wanted to give up . I suggested this to “others as well ” I forced my self to ” visualize my funeral and my family and friends ” at my funeral .

Anger can be your ally when you direct it towards healing as an act of defiance against those who tried to destroy you.

Peel back the layers of pretense and deception  and reveal the absolute truth !!!  But, instead of retreating, the mood only took a stronger hold. Interactions were stiff and forced or overly emotional and fretted over later. spend a day in my mind then you will see everything that’s trying to destroy me .everyday is a constant battle making you blank like nothing matters.I wish I could be numb and not feel a thing but its hard when the devil always wants to win .a angel saying don’t do it today , weigh out your choices to fight another day.so don’t judge me , you really don’t understand , why every day its like I’m fighting, I’m trying not to back down.

Sadness gave over to rage, rage spiraled quickly into despair

 

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Brain off kilter

Motherhood, what a blessing. And mental illness, what a prison. And yet, some days, I mistake motherhood for the prison. I love my children, to a debilitating degree. No one could have ever prepared me for what being a mother does to your heart. I was nineteen when I had my first child. I can say motherhood was wonderful yet stressful not to mention that sleep derivation and depression didn’t help I was un-diagnosed as bipolar for all of my teenage years and adult life.

I was misdiagnosed more times than I can count guess you can say I got really good at wearing a mask and pretending that’s how I see myself in life always pretending and hiding my true self no one knows the pain I am in and the few times I have expressed it it has fell upon deaf ears or the people I trusted betray me so I hide the pain and suffering sometimes it breaks through and people catch a glimpses .
Antidepressants and mod stabilizers do not work for me either am allergic or have some weird reaction to the medications so I just struggle along as best as I can .

I have given up on trying to find a medication that works and am just trying my best to live with these weird moods.

One thing that helps me is tracking my moods sometimes I will not be depressed or hypo-manic or manic I guess that is my normal period other times it seems I will be stuck in a persistent low grade (mild depression )  I have learned how to function with low grade depression I can get through a day no problem it seems hardest at night after all the children are asleep and then my brain just raves up and the thoughts just spew forth some days writing them down is all it takes to turn it off other days there is no turning them off and I have to find ways to distract my brain  so I don’t fall down the rabbit hole of what if’s and if only s .

 

15 Things Truly Happy People Don’t Care For :.

sachasaleha's Blog

1. They don’t care for amassing material possessions.

Sure, owning luxury cars, mansions and a load of cash in the bank is nice. But, these things don’t guarantee happiness and success. Truly happy people are more interested in using their resources to add value in people’s lives and living a decent, modest life. If the money keeps coming, they are happy. If they money doesn’t come, they are still happy and content.

2. They don’t care for getting anything in return.

Everybody enjoys an unexpected complement or reward. However, while others crave praise and rewards, truly happy people serve and help others without expecting anything in return. For truly happy people, the reward is knowing that they have added value and enriched the life of someone.

3. They don’t care for conforming to society’s expectations.

People are constantly under pressure to meet society’s expectations, which is often stressful and overwhelming…

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What women are worth 4

sachasaleha's Blog

WOMAN. . . . . . . . .
When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day…….

An angel came by and asked.” Why spend so much time on her ?”.
.
The lord answered. ” Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?”…..

” She must be washable but not made of plastic, ..
have more than 200 moving parts which must be replaceable

she must function on all kinds of foods, …

she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time,

give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart ,

she must do all this with only two hands,..”

She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day”…. …
THE ANGEL was impressed. ..” Just two hands…..impossible !” ..

And this is the standard model ?…

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” people in the mirror “

I looked in the mirror and I saw faces staring back at me
First I saw the one who inspires me
then i saw the one who doubts me
I saw the one who comforts me and the one who brings me down
I saw the one loves me and the one who despises me
I saw the one who laughs and the one who cries
i saw the one who is courageous as a lion and the one a timid as a lamb .
I saw the one who angers me and the one who makes me laugh .
I saw the one who didn’t think I could do it and then I saw the one who knew I would .
I looked in the mirror , I saw them all I blinked and then I saw only me .