Ramblings after a meltdown

“I feel like I don’t belong in my life”. I feel so out of place. I am having a rough time and I feel like no one understands me .

I feel like I am unheard and invisible as well helpless . I came to Morocco because I though it would be good for a change but I guess I was wrong nothing is going well . I am not getting along with my SIL and to make matters worse my husband is siding with his sister . It started out ok guess the polite period is over . In Morocco everything is always tomorrow tomorrow well I dislike always waiting nothing seems to get done I have been waiting since March to go to the doctor for blood work to check my liver function. Been waiting two months for yarn have ask several times and it’s always tomorrow . As well as waiting to take baby to get his shots that to is tomorrow tomorrow . I also have a nasty rash that won’t go away . Yeah life is tough and rough it likes to knock you around ! 

Changes have always been the most difficult thing for me to handle.
Starting afresh is not an option always. Often I have been faced with changes which I found very difficult to come to terms with. And it is when I hit rock bottom.

I have been told to not act like a wuss and ‘accept’ changes as they come. But no one every told me how! I still haven’t figured out a way to adapt to a change. It becomes even more difficult when more than one change happens simultaneously. At times I am literally scared and I try to hide in the comfort of my house. I shrink back into my shell of desperation. I shrink back into my shell of desperation.  

 I began having panic attacks where my heart would race and I would be short of breath, hyperventilating, sometimes for hours. I began severely dissociating (although I did not know what dissociation was at the time). I would be walking and talking and having no idea what I was doing, where I was going. I felt very “muddled” in the head during those times and would find myself putting garbage in the refrigerator or driving off someplace where suddenly, nothing looked familiar and I had no idea how I got there. My emotions would fluctuate between extreme and overwhelming to numb or non-existent. I literally felt as if I were going crazy and KNEW I needed help. I did not recognize the person I had become

It’s an important part of your journey. After you have had several tantrums, flung yourself down in defeated despair, attempted to medicate yourself out of the feelings you are having, and perhaps just withdrawn into your “safe place” of feeling nothing at all…you may (or may not) finally realize that you *have* to figure this out. The situation may seem like a prison cell with no outlet, and it may seem that someone else, someone who does not have anything good in store for you, holds the keys and all the power over your life.

You know I found that , Depression is rage turned inward .
Most people don’t recognize that . This did not happen over night , and I fell off the wagon a number of times I can tell you . You see as bipolar , we tend to see the world as either ” black or white ” no grey , either all good or all bad . Its the extremes that define the condition right ? I started looking at things , carefully and delayed my reaction to things ( Its really hard at times , when you are caught in the moment and the emotion ) I started looking for the grey , I found it a little at a time .

Sometimes , I found that things well they sucked , but at the same time it wasn’t the worst thing in the world sometimes they were in fact ” life altering bad ”
There were times where I just gave myself ” permission ” to feel bad like this past year . I didn’t beat myself up over feeling bad . On the thought of ” suicidal ” thoughts ” this is controversial I know . But when I felt like I wanted to give up . I suggested this to “others as well ” I forced my self to ” visualize my funeral and my family and friends ” at my funeral .

Anger can be your ally when you direct it towards healing as an act of defiance against those who tried to destroy you.

Peel back the layers of pretense and deception  and reveal the absolute truth !!!  But, instead of retreating, the mood only took a stronger hold. Interactions were stiff and forced or overly emotional and fretted over later. spend a day in my mind then you will see everything that’s trying to destroy me .everyday is a constant battle making you blank like nothing matters.I wish I could be numb and not feel a thing but its hard when the devil always wants to win .a angel saying don’t do it today , weigh out your choices to fight another day.so don’t judge me , you really don’t understand , why every day its like I’m fighting, I’m trying not to back down.

Sadness gave over to rage, rage spiraled quickly into despair