begging for relief

I am a bipolar rootless wander I have no place to call my own

I am sad and lonely no matter were I roam

all I want is a place of my own a place were my heart and soul are happy

everyday I wake to the struggle I try to be happy but it seems my world has been painted in shades of gray and muted colors.

I beg Allah to release me from this unending unrelenting pain

I feel like a freak I do not fit in anywhere  i am the odd ball out no one seems to hear me shout 

my world is like living in a bubble and not understanding why others can’t see or feel your pain .

no one realizes how hard it is to get up and carry on your way, every tasks is like climbing a really high mountain with out much air

Random depression/bipolar thoughts


My depression takes on a mind of its own,and proceeds to sweep away the remnants of my shattered heart  The fog has Descended thick dark confussing as well as painful sitting in my balcony, the sunset just went away, I hate the dark, it reminds me of the end, like the grave it’s dark and cold, full of loneliness :

It slowly creeps up and sucks all the joy happiness and feeling out of you , you do not realize it .

Depression is different from sadness.
Depression consumes you until there is nothing left to feel all you feel is blank your happy and joy are sucked out and everything feels gray and foggy.

In the midst of my depression, every event, every duty, every change was taken in by my despairing mind as a personal attack.  A thing to be suffered.  Another thing to survive.
Depression is insidious. It seeps into your skin and settles into your bones where its impossible to grasp or understand transparent yet dense, like a fog rolling in  everywhere and nowhere
A paralysis that spreads like fire, coursing through your body along your circulatory system so that every cell is affected. Infected. The worst kind of resistant infection, because death from depression is slow. Painfully, achingly, patiently slow, no one even realizes what you are going through .

Depression is a loneliness.
I always felt alone. I hid my emotions away from the world. I smiled like nothing is wrong but my tears kept me company every night.
It’s uncontrollable. An uncontrollable pain. I was so numb to everything around me. I suppose it was my body reflex action to what I was experiencing. I choose to not want to feel anything. I detach myself. I only choose to cry. How can I stop this heavy blanket of shit from falling all over me. I tried to so mindfulness. I tried to focus my thoughts onto something else, but got pulled under before it even made a different.

Composition Book ReMake

solace and joy

Morning Cupcakes!

Here is a photo of a recent up-do of a regular old composition book and pencil.

Composition books are very sturdy —they’re folded and stitched together vertically along the fold. The books are also very versatile, making excellent journals, sketch or idea books, etc.

In this set, the pencil is covered in washi tape that almost matches the green color in the book’s corners.

Decorating composition books is so fun and allows for so much individual creativity! Children —both girls and boys— love to re-make composition books. And, when purchased during back-to-school-sales, the books are very inexpensive.

.♥ والدة walidah ♥.

Pencil — Supplies/Tools used:
washi tape

Composition Book — Supplies/Tools used:
craft glue
hot glue gun
silk flower
yellow buttons
boa feather bits
burgundy ribbon
composition book
12 x 12 decorative printed cardstock (“The Rustic Stack” by DCWV)
5 x 6.5…

View original post 7 more words

Suffered Life

I can relate to this thanks for sharing

The Trained Soul

In the midst of my depression, every event, every duty, every change was taken in by my despairing mind as a personal attack.  A thing to be suffered.  Another thing to survive.

It’s so hard to believe I was like that now that I’ve healed.

But I remember.

I know my thoughts, how I would literally be buffeted by every single fucking thing.  Hammering at me.  Constantly.  Ceaselessly.  Pressed down further into the deep pit of despair by the weight of it all.

Every little thing another burden, another suffered pain.

I cannot find the words to describe to you how relieving it is to be free of that weight.  To be myself again, a person I’d lost and didn’t even know I was missing.  Can you imagine?

It’s a little frightening to look back at how poorly I handled my work load, my loved ones, myself.

Our home reflects…

View original post 600 more words

fighting blah’s

drank 2 cups of coffee and working on 3rd cup still feel like I am wading through quicksand

made ginger snaps ,
made snicker doodles,
made peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip bars ,
Still Feeling Blah1537458_775796485779562_1019074213_o

depression sucks and distractions keeping busy are not helping why is depression worse in the winter time?

life has a way of crashing down on one and life spinning  out of control.

the saying goes when it rains it pours well in life when crap happens it happens all at once!

Fighting Bipolar

the fight goes on round one goes to depression round two goes to loneliness round three goes to me I feel like my life is all about fighting depression and loneliness  , I don’t feel like I am making any progress it’s like I go two steps forward and three steps back or maybe its four steps to the side .

No one realizes how hard it is to deal with bipolar some days all is good and well then other days it is hard so hard that it pains the whole body and the soul aches and hurts it doesn;t matter how much you pray and excise and take your medications bipolar is like living with a huge heavy weight sometimes it’s at bay other times it just smacks you down out of no were , some people fight and fight and still lose others just give up and quit .

When will I not have to fight and fight my life feels like I live in a world of gray like someone sucked all the color and joy out of life


feeling shunned during Jumah Prayer at the masjed

as salam alikum sisters 

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around how some sisters act during Jumah prayer at the masjed I feel left out when I went in to pray I walked past a bunch of sisters sitting in the hall way and I gave them salams but they didn’t answer back , I don’t feel like I fit any anywhere it seems like they have formed cliques and secret clubs 

Bi Ploar fog

I haven’t written or posted in a while I haven’t done much of anything in a long time been having a really hard time fighting this depression , well it’s more than depression since I last posted I have been diagnosed with bipolar and let me be frank bipolar just plain sucks it does answer a lot of questions  I have had such as how can one be depressed and agitated , annoyed and restless that is what’s called a mixed state. 

One thing no one tells you is once your diagnosed you feel relieved to final have a name for it but naming it doesn’t help one feel less lonely and depressed now said person is considered defective , having a mental illness is the hardest and loneliest thing one can live with . 


 The best way I know how to describe bi polar is imagine you are surrounded by the most dense thick dark fog it wraps itself around you and now you can’t see anything so you are stumbling through the fog , imagine that your legs are stuck in a bog and you are struggling to get free the more you struggle the more it consumes you. Talking about how you feel can be very hard even exhausting it is just plain exhausting because every day you wake up you are battling depression and its symptoms some are so small that one doesn’t notice it until it becomes big and rears its head . Medications can help but one must first play medication roulette   some medications will work and other do nothing but make it worse or one is allergic to said medications , also some will work but cause undesirable side effects such as weight gain tiredness , dizziness so one must always weight the risks and benefits. The way I look at it is if the medications help and out way the risks then I will take them some side effects can be manged such as sleepiness , that can be a plus if one has trouble sleeping . One must research and keep up to date on bipolar and depression .

I am now just coming out of the depression fog it is a hard painful and lonely journey and one must always walk it alone there might be people around you but no one can feel what you feel when you are feeling it the best thing a person could say to a depressed, sad or lonely person is I’m here for you , you want to talk I’ll listen you want to sit and say nothing I’ll be here for you. Always remember to treat people with kindness and to smile a smile can help a person more than you know.