Never-ending Thoughts

Never-ending Thoughts

My thoughts are many, but fragments;
Each one not making any sense on its own.

Haven’t quite figured out how to put all the pieces together;
Perhaps…no, that would be the easy way out.

Each end looking for a beginning;
Each beginning keeps starting over.

Is it the past merely repeating itself?
Or is it trying to teach a lesson that can’t be learned?

The answer is somewhere between the beginning and the end.

Because the end, ultimately, is death.



You were in my dreams again
I saw your face there last night
But you’re always in my thoughts
Even in day light
Your crystal eyes so deep and dark
Could never break apart
Your smile so warm, without a doubt
Could melt the coldest heart
And although you never speak
You face says all I need to know
I hate it when the morning comes
Because then you have to go
And though you not always around
I’ll always remember you
Forever you are within my thoughts
I know I’ll love you true



I feel now that I want to die
I  sweet now exactly why
I  wonder now if I should even try
I want something perfect
I  want something I almost had
Now that Ive lost it
I  feel nothing but depression and anger
The only thing I wanted
Was something I ‘ll never have
I want to forget
But there no way I  can

I  thought I was stronger
And thought my pain was over
I don’t know what to do
How to think
To make it all feel better
Its all for the best


It seems mysterious how our brain works – and how we perform, act, and interact as a result. The brain’s exact storage capacity for memories is difficult to calculate. Things we have seen, heard around us not necessarily practically said, get saved in our brain’s disc. They remain there, though new learning, new words might […]

Bipolar and Suicide in the news


Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah


Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o



Bi Ploar fog

I haven’t written or posted in a while I haven’t done much of anything in a long time been having a really hard time fighting this depression , well it’s more than depression since I last posted I have been diagnosed with bipolar and let me be frank bipolar just plain sucks it does answer a lot of questions  I have had such as how can one be depressed and agitated , annoyed and restless that is what’s called a mixed state. 

One thing no one tells you is once your diagnosed you feel relieved to final have a name for it but naming it doesn’t help one feel less lonely and depressed now said person is considered defective , having a mental illness is the hardest and loneliest thing one can live with . 


 The best way I know how to describe bi polar is imagine you are surrounded by the most dense thick dark fog it wraps itself around you and now you can’t see anything so you are stumbling through the fog , imagine that your legs are stuck in a bog and you are struggling to get free the more you struggle the more it consumes you. Talking about how you feel can be very hard even exhausting it is just plain exhausting because every day you wake up you are battling depression and its symptoms some are so small that one doesn’t notice it until it becomes big and rears its head . Medications can help but one must first play medication roulette   some medications will work and other do nothing but make it worse or one is allergic to said medications , also some will work but cause undesirable side effects such as weight gain tiredness , dizziness so one must always weight the risks and benefits. The way I look at it is if the medications help and out way the risks then I will take them some side effects can be manged such as sleepiness , that can be a plus if one has trouble sleeping . One must research and keep up to date on bipolar and depression .

I am now just coming out of the depression fog it is a hard painful and lonely journey and one must always walk it alone there might be people around you but no one can feel what you feel when you are feeling it the best thing a person could say to a depressed, sad or lonely person is I’m here for you , you want to talk I’ll listen you want to sit and say nothing I’ll be here for you. Always remember to treat people with kindness and to smile a smile can help a person more than you know.