The silent struggle of being depressed and trying to follow your faith.

I didn’t sleep well last night I didn’t sleep much at all in fact I cried silently as the tears dripped into my ear,it is loneliest at nighttime when all others are asleep and your brain is to awake to sleep but to tired to watch movies or read a book ,that is when the thoughts of doubt and what ifs and if only’ s creep in and steal your peace and quiet ,
Peace and quiet not sure how to get that if only’s and doubts to stop creeping in while I’m trying to sleep.
I long for serenity and calm but I never find it.
Been having trouble concentrating while doing prayers my mind seems to wander quite a bit not sure how to remedy this situation
Is there a way to quiet all the clutter in my brain or is it just a it just a hopeless dream?
I feel like I have struggled all my life with one thing or another.
Right now it seems I am struggling with my faith and trying to fulfill my obligations of prayer.

Is there a way to quiet all the clutter in my brain or is it just a it just a hopeless dream?
I feel like I have struggled all my life with one thing or another.
Right now it seems I am struggling with my faith and trying to fulfill my obligations of prayer.
What is hardest for me is trying to seek help because everyone just says all pray more but they don’t explain how to get therefore I always feel lost and alone.
There are no guidebooks that I have found , I have been searching for ways to take steps to ensure you’re on praying time . Does religion and faith comes easy to some people and it’s harder for other people?

What I have been doing to remedy the battle with depression is I force myself to do my prayers, some days I am better than other days some days doing the prayers comes easily and other days I have to fight with myself it is hard to keep your mind on one thing when everything seems to be swirling around I dislike having word salad in my brain it is annoying and so hard to remedy it makes learning new things very hard, but I keep trying to learn new things everyday.
All I do now is struggle to do my prayers and make dua to Allah to increase my eman and give me saber to deal with the

Bipolar and Suicide in the news


Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah


Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o



In depression

Hello darkness in thee I am bound,

You are all around crowding out all the light .

I fight with all my might yet you steal all the delight.

Depression and darkness are close friends ,where one is the other isn’t far behind.

I feel like crying , I feel sad and tired and I have no reason to I get enough sleep well most people think I do.

What they don’t know is I spend most of the night tossing and turning trying to shut my brain off yes my brain is broken just racing and intrusive thoughts it is exhausting .

I have all these ideas and words swirling around but when I try and express them they get all jumbled up confused like word salad or word vomit none of it makes much sense .

I feel like I am adrift in a bubble where all I get is passing touches never much more than that no one can reach me this is what it feels like to live with depression . Depression hurts from the inside out it is a creeping slow silent pain and by the time you realize it it’s already hit you hard and sucked out all the bright all that is left is the dark and gloom along with doubt and sorrow and wordering if there will be a tomorrow.