Blah

Blah is how I feel I lay awake in bed with my head on the pillow feeling a great weight in my chest doesn’t matter which way I turn the weight bares down ever pressing like a tightly wound ball of panic it just sits and waits it is waiting for the right time to erupt I have fought this feeling daily everyday for as long as I can remember some days are better then others some things work better than others to keep this feeling at bay what it’s called it just depends on whom you ask some call it the Black Dog others call it the eternal Fog , the dark depressions there are more names to describe it then one knows , some medications keep it at bay but the price one has to pay some cost lots of money and others effect your health they may keep it at bay but it makes you feel psychically tired and ill , there is no perfect way to treat the Fog most days I just try and surviveĀ  to the next day some days it’s so bad that all I can do is curl into a ball and tune the world out . I have often wondered why was I chosen to have this great burden of the great gray black fog ? Does it choose or is it completely random? I feel like I am barely holding it together I had to stop all my medications due to the effects they were having on my health since stopping my medications I feel restless and tired as well as agitatedĀ  it doesn’t help that I am cooped up in a country were there is nothing to do all they do here is try and feed me and give me tea and expect me to sleep, Someday I want toImage scream I don’t want any tea I don’t have any chores per say unless you count making ones own bed and bathing dressing as a chore since being here I haven’t been able to cook ,they won’t let me do anything I feel so useless