Bipolar and Suicide in the news


Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah


Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o



bipolar poem

So… bi polar is our ‘thing’,
It has a certain ‘ring’,
It makes me mad,
It makes me sad,
But also makes me sing…

It makes me want to bleed,
..Mostly out of need,
So use a knife,
Improve my life,
…inside I’m still not freed.
I chase everyone away,
God forbid they ever stay.
Make a wife???
…I have no life…!!
Alone is the only way.

I found a group online,
Supporting lives like mine.
I have made new friends,
No bitter ends,
You all have all my time.

Without you in my life,
I wont make a decent wife.
I will use my knife,
And end my strife,
Reach things beyond our time.

For this hour I’m feeling cheery,
Had the urge to post this rhyme,
So far less of the dreary
I find u all sublime…
Bi polar, plus all the others,
= everything my life covers!..

Averse Reactions and weight gain

As salam alikum

I haven’t written in a while to be honest I have had a lot going on and just haven’t had the time to catch my breath let alone write so here’s a brief update :

I tried a IUD ( form of birth control with hormones) and in the 3 months I had it I gained 21 pounds Yes 21 pounds and I’ve had a long period over 4 weeks long it made me feel blah cranky and all around horrible so on the 27th I had it removed and my body decided to get revenge on me I still have a period and very bad cramps ( checked with doctor and she said total normal some times I want to scream…………………………

My toddler is still bouncing off the walls and messing up the house as soon as I get it clean .


gripes of life…………………………………….

I feel like my life is stuck in a rut and I do not mean this in a good way my life is blah

If I had my way I wouldn’t even bother to get out of bed everything seems to be covered in a thick gray fog of depression and pain >

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and suffer through boring morning cartoons drink coffee that I’ve added way to much sugar to then I go about my day if my husband is not home then I curl up on the couch and try to lose myself in a book but that doesn’t solve the problem of me being depressed and stuck !

Every day I feel more and more blah I try to get out of the house but it just wears me out it is to hard to take both children out , one is prone to unpredictable temper tantrums  at the slights thing like the wind changing directions or mommy walking down the wrong street .

To make matters worse I have a sore tooth ok ok not a tooth more like a spot between 2 teeth that food gets stuck in then I have to take floss and a toothpick and dig it out it really hurts and makes me super grumpy why couldn’t the demist have fixed it right the first time  !

Yes I know I am whining I don’t have my bff to whine to she died 3 months ago ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

why why why ????????????????????????????????????????

What am I feeling ?

Right now I am feeling sad and overwhelmed , I am not sure if anyone understands how I feel it is kinda like being stuck in mud and slowly you are sinking yet by the time you realize you are stuck you have aready sunk up to your neck and then there is no way for you to get out of the mud .

I have been battling depression and trying to get out from under it it seems like every time I take one step forward it is 3 steps backwards and 2 to the side, this depression is like being lost in a maze full of fog and mirrors ……………………………………………………………………..

I feel like I am failing in my faith somedays I just feel plain stupid so far I only know 1 prayer in arabic .

I don’t feel like part of the muslim community I feel isolated and shunned it seems like all the sisters in this community around me have their own groups they belong to but I don’t belong to any of these groups I do not understand why they feel the need to form cliques …………………………………………………..

I am a outsider alls have been and probly always will be it seems I was born into the wrong time period I have never felt like I fit in anywere I am alway hanging off the edge no one would notice if I went missing ……………………………………………………………………………

I do not belong anywere and no were belongs to me I am a stranger in a stange land struggling to understand all the norms of socity

I don’t feel like I have any true friends , there are people I hang out with and I listen to their problems but I can’t lay out my problems to them , some of these problems are to personal and quite embassering that I don’t even want to say them out loud so I won’t I’ll just leave it at that.

I have reached a point in my life where I do not have dreams , not sure when that happened just realized it did , I lost my passions for enjoying things everything seems stiff and gray the rose colored glasses were broken long ago , all the dreams and hopes for the futrue have gone . I question why am I here what is my purpouse

I am frustarted with my doctor she gave me the dumb run around for 3 days while I was having horrible cramps , what is the point of seeing a doctor if she doesn’t help

I feel so sad and alone all the time , my husband is always off working or sleeping I have to care for the children 24/7 and it is exhausting if I want to take a walk with out the children it leads to a huge argument ( he doesn’t like to watch the children and he doesn’t want to hire a sitter just to give me a break yes I know I am whining I guess it is better than crying .

meltdown in the coffee shop

Yesterday was a rainy day and to get out of the house for a bit I put both children in the double stroller and walked to the coffee shop in a light drizzly rain , Baby girl forgot to bring her baby( a doll that she has decided must go everywhere she goes) she remembered she forgot the baby doll 1 block from the coffee shop then she started fussing about it, Got her calmed down and went into the coffee shop . Coffee shop is very crowded and baby girl starts to fuss because she wants to be served right this minute finally it is our turn to order so I order baby girl a chocolate milk and a cookie for myself I order a small coffee in a large cup as I like to add more milk then coffee with sugar to make sweet , also order a piece of carrot  cake , carrot cake is my favorite type of cake love the way it tastes and the cream cheese frosting is not to sweet , only grip I have is the silly little frosting carrot on top in Orange and green ( I dislike the way food coloring tastes ). Pay for everything and finally find a table and sit down , Baby girl starts fussing because they are taking forever making her chocolate milk the person making the drinks slipped 4 other orders before baby girls then he got upset because she was scream she’s 2 what did he expect!

Well I don’t have to worry about the nasty carrot frosting on my cake baby girl ate it and shared it with little man so now they have a orange and green mouth……………..I share my cake with the babies and when I am done they finally get baby girls chocolate milk  ready she is past mad at the melt down point and when I give her her drink she throws it on the floor making a huge mess , I try to clean it up but her screams are getting louder and louder , one old man comes up and asked baby girl if she’s making all that noise in a very rude voice Baby girl screams so loud she sets off his hearing aide to squealing, Little man he is as calm as can be so I check on him in his seat in  the stroller he is back there eating his sisters cookie ( where’s the camera when you need it?) left the coffee shop  with a screaming child and one covered in cookie crumbs once outside get baby girl calmed down and then because she is so bored at home and the library is finally open go in and get my books on hold let baby girl play the computer in the children’s section then little man is fussing his teeth are bugging him ( he’s cutting at least 4 teeth that I can feel ) so we leave the library and baby girl is screaming she doesn’t want to leave , once we get outside we are fine because now she can run only problem is she keeps falling down and her pants and jacket are all wet because won’t you know it she had to fall into a huge puddle of rain water …………………….got home with a wet and screaming toddler and a fussy little man once in the house I put both children in a warm bath and then feed them a snack and have them lay down little man goes to sleep but baby girl doesn’t she talks to her dolly then gets up and watches cartoons so mommy doesn’t get no rest …………………….Cleaning the house today seemed never ending I’d get one room clean and move to another room clean it and baby girl would unclean the cleaned room in 3 seconds flat………………………………………..

Finally my hubby came home and he’s cranky guess the rainy weather makes everyone cranky I cooked dinner and we ate it then I cleaned up the kitchen and gave the children their evening bath and got them ready for bed maybe tomorrow will be a better day