In the cold pale morn
Her cold dead lips
She wasn’t in love
She never was
The death that took her was
Doctors diagnosed
But that’s not
Why she died
She died
No one cared
No one called
Her on the phone
She had no one
No one even
Knew where
She lived
At work
She was overlooked
The best in her field
No one
Her friends
Or so they called
Described her
Very timid
Around guys
She died
No one
Loved her
Her heart
Lack of
From the lack of human contact
One day
She decided
To disappear
What’s the use?
No one cares
She thought
All they do is
Give me abuse
I get bullied
And harassed
At work some weirdo jerk grabs
My ass
The day she
Died from
Lack of love
No one noticed
They didn’t
See the empty shell
She was still
Alive to them
They didn’t
The distant look
In her eyes
No one realized
Until it was to late
By then she was gone
Gone was her
Her laugh
In it’s place
Was a blank
Sonic face

Depression rant 

I dislike it when people say oh you’ll be depressed where ever you live , well that might be true because I have a mood disorder my brain is wired differently just because I get upset about a issue doesn’t mean it’s my mood I can be upset and feel without it affecting my current mood .

Belittling how I feel at the moment doesn’t help me it just frustrates and annoys me.

Telling me I can’t do something because I have bipolar or depression or whatever label you want to call it isn’t fair to me as a person 

Would you tell a person with a medical problem to stick it out without treatment? Or that living somewhere that makes them truly unhappy is healthy for them? 

I dislike having bipolar it is hard and exhausting , you never know when your mood will change sometimes it changes for no reason at all. Other times there are indicators that your mood is changing sometimes you never even see it at all.

The bored  can make you feel more depressed nobody understands this like I do.




Five day five photo challenge day four. Long dark nights staring at the tree

Well the day was long and very busy that she didn’t mind so much, the cooking and cleaning and housekeeping kept her very busy, it was the long dark quite nights that stretched on and on nights had always been the hardest because there was no one around to keep her mind from wondering and going to the what ifs and if only it was like her mind was stuck on what she should would and could have done but the past was the past and no use dwelling on it.

She silently got up out of bed and made her way to the bathroom where she made wudu then she returned to her room and spread out her prayer rug and pulled on her prayer outfit she prayed for peace and understanding but most of all she prayed for the pain to stop as she prayed tears silently ran down her face . Once she finished praying she got up and looked out the window and outside she saw the tree and it was casting it’s shadows onto the cold snow coved ground it seemed peacefulness quite moon slipped slowly through the sky she didn’t realize how late it was when she woke up laying on the  windows eat the rooster was crowing and it was time for morning prayer so she got up and made wudu and got up to make the farj salat then the morning chores, life goes on …………….

Bipolar and Suicide in the news


Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah


Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o



Why Bother?

Why do I bother ? 

Why do I wake up and struggle every day seems to me there must be a easier way .

All I feel is pain and hurt even my dreams are filled with despair !

Why am I the only one who cares ?

Why do I keep trying to repair my mind it’s broken 

There is no fixing it , I’d be better off dead, then I wouldn’t be a burden or a stress and I’d be one less thing people to worry about.

No one really needs me and my broken brain to worry about.

All I do is drag everyone in my life down into this deep dark hole filled with doubt despair , loneliness and sadness

I am a huge mess