Searching

Searching

I go to work most everyday

And stay home alone each night.

I wonder if that’s meant to be,

Or if I should just take flight?

To somewhere other than this place

But where, I’d like to know?

Maybe where it’s warmer still,

Or maybe where there’s snow.

I wish I knew that special place

That God meant just for me.

Is it near the mountaintops

Or maybe by the sea?

But then I think if I did go

It might be just the same.

It wouldn’t change the atmosphere

It would only change the name.

So maybe it is not this place,

Maybe it’s just me. S

o I think I’ll look inside myself

And see what I can see.

Searching

Searching

I go to work most everyday

And stay home alone each night.

I wonder if that’s meant to be,

Or if I should just take flight?

To somewhere other than this place

But where,

I’d like to know?

Maybe where it’s warmer still,

Or maybe where there’s snow.

I wish I knew that special place

That God meant just for me.

Is it near the mountaintops

Or maybe by the sea?

But then I think if I did go

It might be just the same.

It wouldn’t change the atmosphere

It would only change the name.

So maybe it is not this place,

Maybe it’s just me.

So I think I’ll look inside myself

And see what I can see.

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

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Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o

 

 

begging for relief

I am a bipolar rootless wander I have no place to call my own

I am sad and lonely no matter were I roam

all I want is a place of my own a place were my heart and soul are happy

everyday I wake to the struggle I try to be happy but it seems my world has been painted in shades of gray and muted colors.

I beg Allah to release me from this unending unrelenting pain

I feel like a freak I do not fit in anywhere  i am the odd ball out no one seems to hear me shout 

my world is like living in a bubble and not understanding why others can’t see or feel your pain .

no one realizes how hard it is to get up and carry on your way, every tasks is like climbing a really high mountain with out much air