Lost Bye

Lost By
Without your smile 

Without your laughter 

It seems I’am at a lost. 

Years go by, and nothings the same 

The cost of losing you is too high 

If only their were someone to blame. 

I know I will be with you one day again 

But until then what will I do I’am at a lost. 

I depend on our memories to get me through 

I look at pictures of you and hear your laugh 

And still I’am at a lost. 

Until we are reunited 

Nothing is as good as it could be 

Without you I’am lost.

Lost

Lost
Without your smile 

Without your laughter 

It seems I’m at a lost. 

Years go by, 

And nothings the same 

The cost of losing you is too high 

If only their were someone to blame. 

I know I will be with you one day again 

But until then what will I do I’am at a lost. 

I depend on our memories to get me through 

I look at pictures of you and hear your laugh 

And still I’am at a lost. 

Until we are reunited 

Nothing is as good as it could be 

Without you I’m lost.

Once

Once
I sit and I wonder. 

I Think and I cry.

How did this happen ?

Someone please tell me why.

Often I did feel you near, 

When you started to slip my head filled with tears.

When they told me the news I shook in fear, 

Fear of living not of dying , 

Fear of joy not of crying, 

Fear of talking not of shouting.

I couldn’t help but remember the joy you bring, 

Brought I should say since now you lay.

Once, a great while ago,

In which this time did not go slow I thought I had you for forever, 

This can no longer be as one trigger is pulled by an absent minded killer 

Cold enough to make anyone shiver.

Because of this I can no longer dream of a family in which I can no longer see.

When I hear your name my mind starts spinning, 

Confusion and hate, 

Life and fate, 

Someone’s love given a day to late , 

Maybe a minute for all we know, 

One life taken just for show ?

What happened that night, 

I wish I knew as the rain began to fall one face turned blue.

One story told,

Before the seasons turned cold. 

Hot summer nights can no longer be,

Do you remember the love you gave to me ?

Fade To Black

this poem is about my sister

Fade To Black

You used to hear her mangled call
But now she’s hollow inside
Filled up with drugs and alcohol
And drained of all her pride

As good times always seem to fall,
And memories go out with the tide
Her cares and feelings grow so small
And her soul becomes fates bride

She tried to get ahead in life,
But now she’s lost her mind
She used to have a conscience
But dignitys gone blind

She gave her whole life away
To those who can’t give back
And now she’s left with nothing
Stuck in a world that faded black

Wandering

Thoughts fly away from my mind Into the early morning sky Like fluttering butterflies Flitting from flower to flower Wings reflecting the sun’s Bright, blinding rays. A mixture of feelings Come over me Faster than I can comprehend Like paint-splattered canvases An imperfectly perfect landscape Chaotic, dynamic colors. Words inscribed fail to describe Things how they […]

https://seekingsincerity.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/wandering/

Surrounded by Depressed Fog

I weep my heart out 

no one cares

slowly I have fallen 

down into the gray blackness of

despair 

anguishing for hours 

can barely left my head 

dragging  myself through the days 

I  paste  on a mask and hope none sees through

my pain is always bubbling up, just beneath; 

never rising  

I hide the tears and fears 

depression slowly pulls me down 

lower  than the darkest hour 

I cry out to Allah to give me relief from the never ending battle

I am bone weary how much longer must I fight against this losing battle 

I have fought for years and nothing ever changes 

the struggles of depression makes me forget how to smile or laugh

I feel like a big damp cold colorless fog holds onto me

 

  

I stopped writing

I stopped writing

I used to picture a little island that would
whisk me away for days.
I should have never stopped writing.
It is what gives me the strength to move on.
I put it aside and carried on.
I used to be scared that someone would find
what I wrote and read it.
So after a while of having a precious
writing I’d rip it up.
I was embarrassed about some of the ways
that I felt, Ashamed.
My paranoid feelings made me put down
My Pen and Pad.
So I stored my emotions in the back of
my head.
Rigorously they built up in my brain
until it was too late to realize.
I held in so much pain.
Only to have my conscience haunt me and
by not writing, delete me.

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

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Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o

 

 

begging for relief

I am a bipolar rootless wander I have no place to call my own

I am sad and lonely no matter were I roam

all I want is a place of my own a place were my heart and soul are happy

everyday I wake to the struggle I try to be happy but it seems my world has been painted in shades of gray and muted colors.

I beg Allah to release me from this unending unrelenting pain

I feel like a freak I do not fit in anywhere  i am the odd ball out no one seems to hear me shout 

my world is like living in a bubble and not understanding why others can’t see or feel your pain .

no one realizes how hard it is to get up and carry on your way, every tasks is like climbing a really high mountain with out much air