Averse Reactions and weight gain

As salam alikum

I haven’t written in a while to be honest I have had a lot going on and just haven’t had the time to catch my breath let alone write so here’s a brief update :

I tried a IUD ( form of birth control with hormones) and in the 3 months I had it I gained 21 pounds Yes 21 pounds and I’ve had a long period over 4 weeks long it made me feel blah cranky and all around horrible so on the 27th I had it removed and my body decided to get revenge on me I still have a period and very bad cramps ( checked with doctor and she said total normal some times I want to scream…………………………

My toddler is still bouncing off the walls and messing up the house as soon as I get it clean .

 

why why why ????????????????????????????????????????

What am I feeling ?

Right now I am feeling sad and overwhelmed , I am not sure if anyone understands how I feel it is kinda like being stuck in mud and slowly you are sinking yet by the time you realize you are stuck you have aready sunk up to your neck and then there is no way for you to get out of the mud .

I have been battling depression and trying to get out from under it it seems like every time I take one step forward it is 3 steps backwards and 2 to the side, this depression is like being lost in a maze full of fog and mirrors ……………………………………………………………………..

I feel like I am failing in my faith somedays I just feel plain stupid so far I only know 1 prayer in arabic .

I don’t feel like part of the muslim community I feel isolated and shunned it seems like all the sisters in this community around me have their own groups they belong to but I don’t belong to any of these groups I do not understand why they feel the need to form cliques …………………………………………………..

I am a outsider alls have been and probly always will be it seems I was born into the wrong time period I have never felt like I fit in anywere I am alway hanging off the edge no one would notice if I went missing ……………………………………………………………………………

I do not belong anywere and no were belongs to me I am a stranger in a stange land struggling to understand all the norms of socity

I don’t feel like I have any true friends , there are people I hang out with and I listen to their problems but I can’t lay out my problems to them , some of these problems are to personal and quite embassering that I don’t even want to say them out loud so I won’t I’ll just leave it at that.

I have reached a point in my life where I do not have dreams , not sure when that happened just realized it did , I lost my passions for enjoying things everything seems stiff and gray the rose colored glasses were broken long ago , all the dreams and hopes for the futrue have gone . I question why am I here what is my purpouse

I am frustarted with my doctor she gave me the dumb run around for 3 days while I was having horrible cramps , what is the point of seeing a doctor if she doesn’t help

I feel so sad and alone all the time , my husband is always off working or sleeping I have to care for the children 24/7 and it is exhausting if I want to take a walk with out the children it leads to a huge argument ( he doesn’t like to watch the children and he doesn’t want to hire a sitter just to give me a break yes I know I am whining I guess it is better than crying .

meltdown in the coffee shop

Yesterday was a rainy day and to get out of the house for a bit I put both children in the double stroller and walked to the coffee shop in a light drizzly rain , Baby girl forgot to bring her baby( a doll that she has decided must go everywhere she goes) she remembered she forgot the baby doll 1 block from the coffee shop then she started fussing about it, Got her calmed down and went into the coffee shop . Coffee shop is very crowded and baby girl starts to fuss because she wants to be served right this minute finally it is our turn to order so I order baby girl a chocolate milk and a cookie for myself I order a small coffee in a large cup as I like to add more milk then coffee with sugar to make sweet , also order a piece of carrot  cake , carrot cake is my favorite type of cake love the way it tastes and the cream cheese frosting is not to sweet , only grip I have is the silly little frosting carrot on top in Orange and green ( I dislike the way food coloring tastes ). Pay for everything and finally find a table and sit down , Baby girl starts fussing because they are taking forever making her chocolate milk the person making the drinks slipped 4 other orders before baby girls then he got upset because she was scream she’s 2 what did he expect!

Well I don’t have to worry about the nasty carrot frosting on my cake baby girl ate it and shared it with little man so now they have a orange and green mouth……………..I share my cake with the babies and when I am done they finally get baby girls chocolate milk  ready she is past mad at the melt down point and when I give her her drink she throws it on the floor making a huge mess , I try to clean it up but her screams are getting louder and louder , one old man comes up and asked baby girl if she’s making all that noise in a very rude voice Baby girl screams so loud she sets off his hearing aide to squealing, Little man he is as calm as can be so I check on him in his seat in  the stroller he is back there eating his sisters cookie ( where’s the camera when you need it?) left the coffee shop  with a screaming child and one covered in cookie crumbs once outside get baby girl calmed down and then because she is so bored at home and the library is finally open go in and get my books on hold let baby girl play the computer in the children’s section then little man is fussing his teeth are bugging him ( he’s cutting at least 4 teeth that I can feel ) so we leave the library and baby girl is screaming she doesn’t want to leave , once we get outside we are fine because now she can run only problem is she keeps falling down and her pants and jacket are all wet because won’t you know it she had to fall into a huge puddle of rain water …………………….got home with a wet and screaming toddler and a fussy little man once in the house I put both children in a warm bath and then feed them a snack and have them lay down little man goes to sleep but baby girl doesn’t she talks to her dolly then gets up and watches cartoons so mommy doesn’t get no rest …………………….Cleaning the house today seemed never ending I’d get one room clean and move to another room clean it and baby girl would unclean the cleaned room in 3 seconds flat………………………………………..

Finally my hubby came home and he’s cranky guess the rainy weather makes everyone cranky I cooked dinner and we ate it then I cleaned up the kitchen and gave the children their evening bath and got them ready for bed maybe tomorrow will be a better day