I stopped writing

I stopped writing

I used to picture a little island that would
whisk me away for days.
I should have never stopped writing.
It is what gives me the strength to move on.
I put it aside and carried on.
I used to be scared that someone would find
what I wrote and read it.
So after a while of having a precious
writing I’d rip it up.
I was embarrassed about some of the ways
that I felt, Ashamed.
My paranoid feelings made me put down
My Pen and Pad.
So I stored my emotions in the back of
my head.
Rigorously they built up in my brain
until it was too late to realize.
I held in so much pain.
Only to have my conscience haunt me and
by not writing, delete me.

What’s Left Of Me

Watch my life pass me by in a rear view mirror
pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer
I don’t wanna waste another day
stuck in the shadow of my mistakes

cause I want you and I feel you crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me

I’ve been dying inside
little by little
nowhere to go going out of my mind
and in endless circle
running from myself until
you gave me a reason for standing still

I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger like a burning
to find the place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded
I’m half the man I thought I would be
but you can have what’s left of me

Falling faster
barely breathing
give me something to believe in
tell me its not all in my head

take what’s left of this man
make me whole once again

cause I want you and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger, like a burning to find a place I’ve never been
now I’m broken and I’m faded,
I’m half the man I thought I would be
you can have all that’s left
what’s left of me

I’m been dying inside you see
I’m going outa my mind, outa my mind
I’m just wandering in circles all the time
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
just running in circles in my mind
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left
will you take what’s left of me
take what’s left of me

letter never sent

You promised me everything
Yet
You never gave me anything
But
Pain
Suffering
And hurt feelings
You didn’t care for me this now I can see
You are so selfish all you cared about is staying
in America
You never spent time with me
You don’t know me
If you knew me you would have known I was unhappy
And in pain you would have heard me when I talked to
You, you would have listened and changed
You would have made it right but no selfish you
All you care about is cars, money and yourself
If you cared about me you would have spent time
With me you would have done partner yoga and
Counseling when I asked you to
Instead you left me alone slowly my hopes faded
My dreams died and I cried myself to sleep your famous
last lie was I still love her” you
Don’t love me or care for me if you did you wouldn’t
Have forced me to have anal sex you would have seen
That I was unhappy you would have tried to help but no
You just let me be unhappy
Silently I cry myself to sleep and silently my
Heart crumbles away
The sad thing
Is that I loved you
I still do
I do not feel like a human when around you
You are unhealthy you lead to stress in my
Life
You hurt me ignore me and demean me
I do not want my children to grow up seeing
That
So I have to let you go
I hope you realize that you
LOST!
You lost a faithful loving wife because you
Didn’t care about her
She tried to reach you
But you blocked her out with walls and by
Avoiding her
It doesn’t matter
You don’t care and you will never understand
Her
She was delicate as a leaf in the wind
Strong as a mountain
Brave as a knight
Gentle as a lamb
Sweet as honey
And now she is sad
As a clown crying tears of sorrow
Her tomorrow was shattered and you didn’t Care Allah Hafiz

Just believe

Believe in yourself
In the power you have to control your life
Believe in the strength that you have deep inside
and your Faith will help show you the way
Believe in tomorrow and what it will bring
Let a hopeful heart carry you through
For things will work out
If you trust and believe
There is no limit to what you can do

Email from a Sister wanting more information about how I deal with Bipolar

As salaamu alaikum sister

I read your post about love hurts, then read the title of your blog, and read a couple posts in relation to depression I just want to ask a few questions because I would like to know more:

what does it feel like from day-to-day to have bi-polar disorder?
how do you cope?
does it help to have support around you?
what is your diet like?
have you changed your diet to see how your mood has changed as well?
Jazakhallah khair
May Allah help ease your pain ameen.

Wa alikum salam Sister
I have answered the questions in the order you wrote them if you have any more questions feel free to ask away
I try and  doing all five daily prayers and I make dua several times a day some days the prayers are easy other days it’s hard and when I am really depressed I have to drag myself out of bed and do them.
Depends on the day some days are good other days are a real struggle just to get out of bed and get dressed
One day at a time some days just one minute at a time
Yes it does help to have support but sometimes even with support I still struggle
Very wholesome lots of fresh cooked meals and whole foods try to stay away from processed and junk foods
By cutting out dyes and additives it has helped my skin issues not really helped my mood that I’ve noticed