depression feels like this

Life goes on as usual but I go deeper and deeper into a fog
my eyes seem to have trouble focusing : I can no longer make out anything except
What lies directly in my path , as if the world were far away at the end of a long gray tube this is how depression feels I am tired ,tired beyond bearing yet sleep brings no relief to me

depression talks with a friend

Talking to my friend who also suffers from depression :
(She refers to her depression as demons )
Does anyone else have trouble with their demons of depression constantly bombarding them with negative thoughts
when the shame demons of “you should be more grateful” starting bugging me. My subconscious (or unconscious) is still filled with deep sadness…

(Me in reply) I totally understand every word you’ve said! I have managed to learn to FAKE IT, but yes, the depression is like an albatross around my neck. It NEVER goes away.
I have taken a plunge from my everyday depression into deep dark depression and there doesn’t seem to even be any reason to it , still struggling with sleep like always sleep just eludes me the harder I try to get good sleep the less sleep I actually get.

(My friend talking )I think your philosophy is accurate. Not crazy thoughts at all! I, too, am a firm believer in the necessity of helping others and being open for others to help us. We are all on separate paths on basically the same journey. Sometimes we cross paths with someone, sometimes we walk together for a while, and sometimes we walk together for a lifetime before one departs. We give grace, peace, compassion and empathy to one another and that is not depressing at all! But if we are feeling depressed or anxious or hopeless or “crazy” we can allow someone to be the soothing, healing balm. It takes a willingness to allow the crack so the light can come in. I appreciate your well-wishes! However, I’ll probably fall down in the tunnel a time or three this year, but you know what? My TRIBE will be there to help me up, dust me off, listen, give encouragement and advice. Thank you for this thought-provoking post! (((((Hugs)))))

(Me in reply) As I have struggled with depression, this past year I have had a crazy thought, okay more than one!

I feel like I have been in a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. What if I this is my “cross to bear”? Maybe part of the reason I am here on this earth is to be company for the other darkness dwellers in the world? Somehow this gives me a sense of peace. That may change in a few minutes of course Some days I am the company helping others and some days others are the company helping me, and some days we fall, but some days we make it down the tunnel a little further with no bruises. I hope you all have a bruise free year! The Shortest Distance between a Problem and it’s Solution is the Distance between your Knees and the Floor. The one who Kneels to Allah (Azzwajal) can Stand Up to Anything.

 

Description of Depression in poplar book series

This is a very acute description of what depression feels like and what it manifests itself as.foggy figure

 

J.K. Rowling came up with the Dementor characters during an episode of clinical depression; substitute “Depression” for “Dementors” and you have an apt description:

Depression’s are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them… Get too near Depression and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Depression will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself…soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.

They don’t need walls and water to keep the prisoners in, not when they’re trapped inside their own heads, incapable of a single cheerful thought. Most go mad within weeks.

And, like the infamous Dementor’s Kiss, the depressed person feels:

There’s no chance at all of recovery. You’ll just… exist. As an empty shell. And your soul is gone forever…lost.Dementors

Praying for strentgh

I am so depressed and despondent
Frustration is a daily occurrence
hopelessness is caused by the mind numbing monotony of boredom
Sleep is elusive and ever fleeting

Dreams are none existent

Life is always in shades of gray

nothing happy ever stays

darkness shadows and ghost haunt the walls of my mind

tormenting me at all hours

should haves

could haves

would haves

always getting in the way

All I can do is fall down and pray

Pray for hope

Pray for strength

Pray for patience

Pray for Allah to show me the way out of this gray

Bipolar and Suicide in the news

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Well bipolar is in the news again and it is being liked with a famous actor he struggled with depression/bipolar along with addition most of his life and in a moment of hopelessness he decided to end his life so now its a hot trending topic .pray

I remember watching the movie What Dreams may come and feeling very sad it touched a raw spot that I haven’t talked about much , My father killed himself when I was 15 and then a year and 6 months later my uncle (mother’s brother ) also killed himself , after it happened no one really talked about how they felt or anything it was just lets move on and forget no counseling or therapy my mom didn’t believe in it . It took me years to seek and accept that yes I have a mental illness and no I can not change that! I now choose to deal with my moods through prayer to Allah , journaling , Mood tracking ( here’s the tracker I use http://www.moodtracker.com). Diet I have eliminated junk foods and most processed foods as well as sodas from my diet  excising I usually walk and talking about how I feel. One thing I have learned is if it works use it if it don’t stop wasting time on it and find something that works.salah

 

Came across this quote in regards to Robin Williams and had to share.

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.” – Sally Brampton

what dreams

 As a survivor of suicide myself,( yes I did try once in my life and it failed and was so very painful) I can assure you … when you reach the state of belief that the world would be a better place without YOU in it — the movement to attempt is not selfish. It is lonely. And numb. And of a completely diseased mindset.
100’s of people I have talked with who are either suicide survivors or family/friends who have been affected/effected by suicide, one thing rings truer than true. The ones who commit suicide are not narcissistic. A narcissist would not hurt themselves. These folk are not self-absorbed. They do not even remotely like themselves, let alone think of themselves as better than or above all. When one reaches the place of actually acting on the taking of their life … they are alone. In their mind, in their heart, in their soul…they are alone. And they truly think the world would be better — without them in it.

The craziest part of all of this is that MOST people who struggle with deep depression hide it from the world with humor. With ‘normalcy.’ We go about our day to day and we hide in our darkness. We bury it because it is not pretty or culturally acceptable.

The problems all start getting worse when they are all bottled up one needs to express how they feel even if it’s like crap, blah’s or in so much pain just talking about it can help as can medication and routines people need to pull their heads out of the sand and start taking bipolar, depression , sadness call it what you will like a serious disease and treating it as such if it was treated like a heart attack there would be a plan of how to treat and mange the risks.

Routines , diet, excise , medications and therapy , support groups , mood tracking and religion all have a place in fighting bipolar 10259232_10152472378868755_6481177094529623212_o

 

 

FAT

OK lets try this post again yes this will be the second time I’ve tried writing this post

I haven’t been in a bloggy mood I have been fighting with depression , depression is hard and mine has been kicking my butt to be quite honest

Being depressed sucks it is like walking around wearing glasses that make everything look gray and then there is the physical effects of depression

either I am sleeping too much ( if I get the chance during the day , or I sleep to little , like stay up all night watching TV then there’s the issues with food

during the day I don’t feel hungry but in order to avoid having a argument with my husband about not eating I force myself to eat when I have zero appetite

then there is those darn weird as cravings for starchy foods like bread and sugar filled     baked goods don’t get me started on the ice cream I know I eat to much ice cream and other stuff that falls in the less than good for you section of foods .

It doesn’t help that my husband has pointed out that I gained weight in the last 3 days he has said that to me 9 times what is he trying to pick a fight? Does he want me to feel bad about myself ? Well I know I gained weight to be honest I gained back all the weight I had lost which makes me feel bad I don’t need someone else pointing it out to me  , what I need is some support and some place were I can work out without having to worry about the children getting into trouble or making a mess .

Walking as excise just isn’t cutting it I need to add something else to help me lose the weight and keep it off maybe I need to add a spinning class and swimming boy do I miss swimming it is a nice feeling of floating in water not worrying about your joints taking a pounding it gentle stretches and works out your muscles.

It feels good to just write and not worry about it getting it all out on paper is a relief …………………………………………….

I should set some goals for myself

Goal number 1 drink more water and less juice ,

will keep you updated with the goals and how they are going  .

well that’s all for now

gripes of life…………………………………….

I feel like my life is stuck in a rut and I do not mean this in a good way my life is blah

If I had my way I wouldn’t even bother to get out of bed everything seems to be covered in a thick gray fog of depression and pain >

Every morning I drag myself out of bed and suffer through boring morning cartoons drink coffee that I’ve added way to much sugar to then I go about my day if my husband is not home then I curl up on the couch and try to lose myself in a book but that doesn’t solve the problem of me being depressed and stuck !

Every day I feel more and more blah I try to get out of the house but it just wears me out it is to hard to take both children out , one is prone to unpredictable temper tantrums  at the slights thing like the wind changing directions or mommy walking down the wrong street .

To make matters worse I have a sore tooth ok ok not a tooth more like a spot between 2 teeth that food gets stuck in then I have to take floss and a toothpick and dig it out it really hurts and makes me super grumpy why couldn’t the demist have fixed it right the first time  !

Yes I know I am whining I don’t have my bff to whine to she died 3 months ago ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………