Beyond Comprehension

No one hears me, understands me
I speak in silence
Hoping that someone will see my words,

My message
Hoping to find love, it has arrived so divine
I wish for a stronger, better life
filled with everlasting touch
I dream the future, but hold the past
My body is brimmed with so many confusions
Am I really here experiencing fullness?
I must be, the pain is so real
The hurt I feel could never be imagined
But I will pull through into greatness
And destroy whatever faces into me
As I struggle I will fight until the end
Whenever it may come

Void

Void, canceled, simply annulled.
Endlessly aching, unconcealed.
Life without you, cause without reason.
Touch without sense, time without season.
I face life now facing a cancerous sore,
A sordid parasite that eats at my core.
All that makes me whole, all I hold deep within,
Leaving me lifeless, or at least not living’.

A shallow face, anguished and marred.
An empty space, scaled and scarred.
Sweetly abiding to a cynical charade.
Secretly hiding ‘hind a fictitious facade.
Still, lost within this heart of glass,
This fragile and yet unfeeling mass.
Lies the remains of a love that glowed,
The gift to you I once bestowed.

But honor and pride now bereaved-
By your love for me so misconceived,
Ripped from my inner depths, impeding-
Mind and body and spirit, bleeding;
Now’s crushed to sand from thy ruthless hand,
A cold stare I just can’t understand.
I feel that somehow, somehow I’m dying,
At least my soul and all that’s underlying.

A simple void, is that what I’ve become?
The hollowed sphere on a pendulum.
Swinging back and forth, emotion to emotion,
Never once stopping, nor slowing the motion.
No reason, no answer, no justification.
The creation of a sterile imagination.
Just passing through time as time passes me.
Merely a nothing- nothing, merely, left to be.
Sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard.
Mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd.
All empathy lying ungraced, unemployed,
I live my life dying, unembraced, a void.

Gone!

In the cold pale morn
Her cold dead lips
She wasn’t in love
She never was
The death that took her was
Quite
Excruciating
Doctors diagnosed
Depression
But that’s not
Why she died
She died
Of
Despair
Loneliness
Because
No one cared
No one called
Her on the phone
She had no one
No one even
Knew where
She lived
At work she was overlooked
The best in her
Field
But
No one
Noticed
Cared
Her friends
Or so they called
Themselves
Described her
As
Withdrawn
Quite
Shy
Solf-spoken
Very timid
Around guys
She died
Because
No one
Loved her
Her heart
Broke
From
Lack of
Affection
Of human contact
One day
She decides
To disappear
She thought
What’s the use
No one cares
All they do is give me abuse
Physical
Mental
Sexual
I get bullied
And
Harassed
At work
By some weirdo jerk
Who grabs my ass
The day
She died from
Lack of love
No one noticed
They didn’t
See the empty
Shell
She was still
Alive to them
They didn’t
Realize
The distance look
In her eyes
No one realized
Until it was to late
By then she was
Gone
Gone was her
Smile
Her laugh
In it’s place
Was a Blank
Sonic look
Copyright ©2005(written about abuse) 

Gone!

Gone!
In the cold pale morn
Her cold dead lips
Shorn
She wasn’t in love
She never was
The death that took her was
Quit
Excrestionating
Doctors diagnosed
Depression
But that’s not
Why she died
She died
Of
Despair
Loneliness
Because
No one cared
No one called
Her on the phone
She had no one
No one even
Knew where
She lived
At work
She was overlooked
The best in her field
But
No one
Noticed
Cared
Her friends
Or so they called
Themselves
Described her
As
Withdrawn
Quit
Shy
Soft-spoken
Very timid
Around guys
She died
Because
No one
Loved her
Her heart
Broke
Lack of
Affection
From the lack of human contact
One day
She decided
To disappear
What’s the use?
No one cares
She thought
All they do is
Give me abuse
Physical
Mental
Sexual
I get bullied
And harassed
At work some weirdo jerk grabs
My ass
The day she
Died from
Lack of love
No one noticed
They didn’t
See the empty shell
She was still
Alive to them
They didn’t
Realize
The distant look
In her eyes
No one realized
Until it was to late
By then she was gone
Gone was her
Smile
Her laugh
In it’s place
Was a blank
Sonic face

P.O.D. (Prisoner of Depression).

Gunshots. The shallow, uneven thuds of my heartbeat resounding in the courtyard, with the gates closed,  my ribs forever locked, no key to fit,  yet only one hostage held, that hostage, me.  The gunman, suicidal and out of control like a man high on PCP in a strait jacket, banging his head against the wall to […]

https://talklifewithdepression.wordpress.com/2016/04/09/p-o-d-prisoner-of-depression/

Whispers of Satan

 Whispers of Satan

Stay in your bed, don’t make a fuss.
Your prayers can wait; give in to your nafs. (1)
What!  Go to the mosque, the path you’ll pave?
Don’t bother, think of the gas you’ll save.
Why go the extra miles to be kind?
Don’t share that smile, they won’t mind!
Listen to your parents, why should you?
You’re big enough, don’t let them tell you what to do!
Don’t look at those orphans, what could they need?
You have your own problems, and family to feed.
Wear good Hijab?  Oh me, Oh my, you’ll be targeted as a Muslim and put to shame.
Just wear no makeup, and dress simple and plain.
Go for Jihad? No not you.
It’s not your problem, what can you do?
Don’t worry about Jannah, your place is reserved.
I promise you’ll get all you deserve.
Preach about Islam, and be nice?
Listen to me, and take my advice!!!
Don’t fast during Ramadan, you’ll feel dead.
Don’t go for Hajj, the heat you’ll dread.
Why give charity, or feed the poor?
Don’t do it I say, They’ll just ask for more.
Don’t visit the Muslims, they’ll bite your back.
Don’t stop your work for prayer, it’s money you lack.
Then he makes you hoard your wealth.
He thinks while he talks, and laughs to himself.
You take me as your friend, and don’t give me a fight.
I’ll take you to hell to gain respite.
On the judgement day we will meet.
Allah’s plan we can not defeat.
Shatan thinks and thinks of more to say.
Say A’ oothoo billahi, and make him run away.
Dear believer, don’t let shatan put you to the test.
You can overcome him, just do your best.

 

Az-Zuhd by Ibnul Qayyim Al-Jawzeeyah

Zuhd  means to abstain from this world to gain closeness to Allaah. A beautiful pdf specially for me because I felt like I have been consumed by this world and it caused great distress. I needed to be focusing on the Akhirah and not the pleasure of this dunya. This book has tremendously opened my […]

https://bluespiritmuslimah.wordpress.com/2016/02/24/az-zuhd-by-ibnul-qayyim-al-jawzeeyah/

“…feel awkward in our skin”

“In one day, we’re presented with countless opportunities to feel bad about ourselves or to feel awkward in our skin:   caustic coworkers, professional rejection, that stranger who glares at us as we walk down the street for absolutely no reason at all.   Isolated, these moments seem to indicate that there’s something deeply wrong […]

https://clinpsychsite.wordpress.com/2016/02/22/feel-awkward-in-our-skin/

To Understand Understanding is Understanding. Understood?

Verbal and physical attacks no longer bother me. What bothers me is that people don’t have a sense of understanding. A sense of caring. A sense of compassion. Not the false sense of compassion, but actual compassion. Not a false sense of caring, but actual caring. Not a false sense of understanding, but a real, […]

https://talklifewithdepression.wordpress.com/2016/02/18/to-understand-understanding-is-understanding-understood/

Boredom is deadly…

I’m starting to think that a lot of depression, for me anyway, is caused by boredom. Although routine is drummed into us as Bipolar patients it is tedious and therefore counter intuitive in a way… I crave adventure, I want new daily experiences and to meet new people regularly, I try distract myself with exercise, […]

http://bipolartohappiness.com/2016/02/10/boredom-is-deadly/