Bipolar moods , how I feel 

I am agitated beyond anything everything is grating on my nerves And annoying me 

My hurts so much 

Ugh!!

Ugh!! 

My mood is peevish over nothing 

Can one always be defeated by bipolars chemical hell?​ 

I stuggle in the foggy blackish-grey cloak that is bipolar it makes life’s living hellish pains 

Noone else around me understands the silent struggles that go on in my head

I am so sick of people telling me to snap out of it…….

If I could snap out of it i would’ve but bipolar is a illness just like diabetes or heart disease,

It requries treatment and education.

Some people, with bipolar find solutions that work for them 

I havent found anything that works ,

So I muddle through my days as best as I can ! 

 

Alone and Suffering

You see her standing there

The blank sonic look  on her face

You ask her what is wrong

She replies I’m fine

When in reality she is in pain

She hides the pain and hurt no one sees it

She cries herself  to sleep

In the morning she struggles her day

She has given up on ever finding a  friend

She silently prays that the pain will end

She has battled this demon that people call loneliness and depression she don’t know when

No one understands and care how she feels

She silently Prays that Allah will grant her relief

She feels isolated from the muslim community never really fitting in anywhere

Mostly she stays to herself , best thing you could do to help her is reach out offer to have tea or just talk loneliness hurts more than you know

Please do not judge her she is trying her best to survive  taking it one day at a time

Kindness and caring go along way so does saying as salam alikum sister how are you doing and actually listening because under the softly spoken I’m fine there is a catch and pause in her voice and the look in her eyes cries I’m not ok please hug me and let me know I’m not alone!

But most of the time it is ignored and she just suffers in silence alone as always

 

 

Feeling Exhuasted

As Salam Alikum Readers 

I haven’t really been blogging much just haven’t felt that well been dealing with stomach pains and sleeplessness , extreme fatigue with dizziness as well as having most of my hair fall out in a very short amount of time, have seen a doctor and she’s stumped sending me to dermatology in sha Allah on Thursday . My mood hasn’t been that great but I mange to make it through the days nights are harder I try to sleep but it doesn’t happen so I read books . 

 

Depression, Not Medication, Kills Creativity

Depression, Not Medication, Kills Creativity“My favorite escapes from depression are meds and writing,” says Diana Spechler in a New York Times opinion piece. “But I can’t do both at once.” Friends have been forwarding to me her columns in the “Going Off” series, which chronicles her attempt to wean off the medications she takes for depression, anxiety, and insomnia.…
http://thereseborchard.com/2015/05/29/depression-not-medication-kills-creativity/

Feeling of depressed mind rambles on

waiting patiently within these walls 

mind numbly bored hopeless drowning in utter despair 

depressingly  desperate despair washed over me again underneath 

this mask of uncertainty can’t even breath heartache head ache body pains 

foggy minds lossing sleep again its obsolete, underneath my masquerade 

of indifference surrounding myself in nothingness

when will these feelings go away?​ 

where is the light wonder of life and magical 

sunshine of happiness,

  

Depression rant 

I dislike it when people say oh you’ll be depressed where ever you live , well that might be true because I have a mood disorder my brain is wired differently just because I get upset about a issue doesn’t mean it’s my mood I can be upset and feel without it affecting my current mood .

Belittling how I feel at the moment doesn’t help me it just frustrates and annoys me.

Telling me I can’t do something because I have bipolar or depression or whatever label you want to call it isn’t fair to me as a person 

Would you tell a person with a medical problem to stick it out without treatment? Or that living somewhere that makes them truly unhappy is healthy for them? 

I dislike having bipolar it is hard and exhausting , you never know when your mood will change sometimes it changes for no reason at all. Other times there are indicators that your mood is changing sometimes you never even see it at all.

The bored  can make you feel more depressed nobody understands this like I do.

 

  

 

How Depression Belittles Oneself 

Unfortunately, depression never goes away

Sometimes it seems toget better but other times it rears its cruel despair and drags you down into those dark, foggy distance with all the pain and despair crept into my dreams then engulfed me again.​ 

I can’t help that I suffer through years of it most people in my life belittle and mock me because of depression like it is my fault, I thought educating them would help them understand but all they  do is ignore me and disregard what I say and how I feel.

Do my feelings and wishes and plans not even matter?​ 

What is the point of it all?​ 

I suffer in silnce now noone cares 

I spend my nights silently crying till I cant cry anymore

I spend my days just trying to not cry in front of anyone 

I paste on  a mask of stoicism slipped from time to time.

  

Depression Rears 

I haven’t been writing 

have had writers block on top of feeling 

hopelesly deeply depressed

I despair being deeply depressed it distresses me

I wouldn’t  want anyone to have to suffer through this dark tunnel filled with various shades of velvety grays of foggy mindnumbing depression 

that deprives of all other emotions 

like being stucked into a vortex without a way out.

  

Surrounded by Depressed Fog

I weep my heart out 

no one cares

slowly I have fallen 

down into the gray blackness of

despair 

anguishing for hours 

can barely left my head 

dragging  myself through the days 

I  paste  on a mask and hope none sees through

my pain is always bubbling up, just beneath; 

never rising  

I hide the tears and fears 

depression slowly pulls me down 

lower  than the darkest hour 

I cry out to Allah to give me relief from the never ending battle

I am bone weary how much longer must I fight against this losing battle 

I have fought for years and nothing ever changes 

the struggles of depression makes me forget how to smile or laugh

I feel like a big damp cold colorless fog holds onto me

 

  

Prayer of strength

I am forever stuggling with faith

I pray for strength, to make me calm and stronger 

My mind wanders far from me 

I lose my words and scramble the words together, 

I pray to Allah for strength  and understanding 

I  alone in my faith like a outcast

I dont really fit in anywere 

I drifted alone aimlessly, 

I  accept Islam and believe in it with all my heart

I  no friends I’m the forgotten one

I am invisible even in my own home

I sit alone in my room never included in  discisions 

I am a afterthought 

I pray to Allah to ease my loneliness and give me strength