Feeling Exhuasted

As Salam Alikum Readers 

I haven’t really been blogging much just haven’t felt that well been dealing with stomach pains and sleeplessness , extreme fatigue with dizziness as well as having most of my hair fall out in a very short amount of time, have seen a doctor and she’s stumped sending me to dermatology in sha Allah on Thursday . My mood hasn’t been that great but I mange to make it through the days nights are harder I try to sleep but it doesn’t happen so I read books . 

 

Depression rant 

I dislike it when people say oh you’ll be depressed where ever you live , well that might be true because I have a mood disorder my brain is wired differently just because I get upset about a issue doesn’t mean it’s my mood I can be upset and feel without it affecting my current mood .

Belittling how I feel at the moment doesn’t help me it just frustrates and annoys me.

Telling me I can’t do something because I have bipolar or depression or whatever label you want to call it isn’t fair to me as a person 

Would you tell a person with a medical problem to stick it out without treatment? Or that living somewhere that makes them truly unhappy is healthy for them? 

I dislike having bipolar it is hard and exhausting , you never know when your mood will change sometimes it changes for no reason at all. Other times there are indicators that your mood is changing sometimes you never even see it at all.

The bored  can make you feel more depressed nobody understands this like I do.

 

  

 

How Depression Belittles Oneself 

Unfortunately, depression never goes away

Sometimes it seems toget better but other times it rears its cruel despair and drags you down into those dark, foggy distance with all the pain and despair crept into my dreams then engulfed me again.​ 

I can’t help that I suffer through years of it most people in my life belittle and mock me because of depression like it is my fault, I thought educating them would help them understand but all they  do is ignore me and disregard what I say and how I feel.

Do my feelings and wishes and plans not even matter?​ 

What is the point of it all?​ 

I suffer in silnce now noone cares 

I spend my nights silently crying till I cant cry anymore

I spend my days just trying to not cry in front of anyone 

I paste on  a mask of stoicism slipped from time to time.

  

Depression Rears 

I haven’t been writing 

have had writers block on top of feeling 

hopelesly deeply depressed

I despair being deeply depressed it distresses me

I wouldn’t  want anyone to have to suffer through this dark tunnel filled with various shades of velvety grays of foggy mindnumbing depression 

that deprives of all other emotions 

like being stucked into a vortex without a way out.

  

Surrounded by Depressed Fog

I weep my heart out 

no one cares

slowly I have fallen 

down into the gray blackness of

despair 

anguishing for hours 

can barely left my head 

dragging  myself through the days 

I  paste  on a mask and hope none sees through

my pain is always bubbling up, just beneath; 

never rising  

I hide the tears and fears 

depression slowly pulls me down 

lower  than the darkest hour 

I cry out to Allah to give me relief from the never ending battle

I am bone weary how much longer must I fight against this losing battle 

I have fought for years and nothing ever changes 

the struggles of depression makes me forget how to smile or laugh

I feel like a big damp cold colorless fog holds onto me

 

  

Bipolar anguish

Falling 

down my cheeks are big fat tears 

All the anguish within my heart, 

is leaking from my eyes .

i  Cried despairing my emotions are plain 

to see 

Yet they are not even acknowledged 

My moods, are elicited, mess of indecision and anxiety concealed 

by a single  mask of indifference, 

No one seems to care, 

or take the  time to know me, 

i am adrift in an ocean of fears 

battling with tides and currents 

I have always been fiercely stricken with this affliction 

Doctors have given it labels 

But it is not so neatly labeled and packaged 

My mental health 

is not some random label 

No pills have helped me

Talking about it wont make it go away

Bipolar is here to stay 

please understand having a mental illness 

Is not fun 

It isn’t cool 

And no one understands me  and the personal hell

I have endured all the adversity and stigma of it

Yet I wake and fight fercely to make my way 

through the long darkness 

that is thrust 

upon me 

I pray for strength 

and promise to personally forgive all whom betray,

  

Great sorrows of no tomorrow’s 

I am alone, without a voice or vision

I have great sorrows and greater regret in all the  missed tomorrow’s 

Yesterday’s pasts repeat themselves with awful images running through my head 

clouds blur my eyes and I don’t feel well,

 my heart’s in anguish dark on the round my tears tumble down from above, 

falling 

on the ground there isn’t

 a thousand new tears; 

I have  never seen such griefs 

my heart has shattered 

into a thousand tiny shards of sapphire blue diamond cloaked in ruby red stained tears shredded of all my life’s blissful dreams and the hopes of all the days,

Dark midnight blue of storms immense, in my own eyes



Sleepless nights 

I am 

But a fading shadow 

never heard my silence eternal deep, dark-blue velvety 

without a doubt 

without a care 

no more  feeling of anger, 

no-more of sadness, 

good bye

Tomorrow 

Golden light shines through, 

the dark night skies, 

but nothing special is incomplete 

I seek and search out how holding out hope is but a hollowed valleys; 

deep dark waters run deeply never really reaching beyond all my other fears 

are quiet, forlorn.​ and feeble wanderings of all your foes, 

Quiet in anguish gasping on my breathless starless night, 

as when my tortured dreams haunt, 

and as a skill did the dreams dreadfully pulled me 

from slumber again to my very dismay