how I have been feeling

I haven’t been blogging or even writting for that matter to be completely honest I have been struggling with the depression .

Nothing helps it I have tried medications , excise , Prayer keeping busy but it just sneaks up and pounces on me some days are better than others but as of late I have been really feeling just blah and pain actualy physical pain not sure as to why I feel this way nothing has really changed it is like carrying around a big bag of rocks it is heavy and hurts but I can’t seem to lose the rocks , I can’t really sleep and when I do sleep I have weird and disjointed dreams I feel disconnected from life and have no appeite for food it is to the point that I have to force myself to eat food .

No one in my family understands how I feel , I feel alone and isolated even when I am surrounded by people I feel like I am in a bubble and cannot connect depression is just exhausting I try and escape by watching old reruns of tv shows . I want to feel something other than sad , I have no goals or dreams anymore all I do is exist depression just hurts but I am the only one who feels itOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA



As salam alikum readers

I would like to thank Sister  Eva Fatmawaty for the  liebster nomination for my blog dpressedmuslimah

Why do you love blogging?

it is just a natural part of writting for me

What is your primary job?


Have you gotten the benefits from blogging? If yes, please mention 2 of them!

it is a way for me to calm my brain and get my thoghts on paper so to speak

It is a way of recording my thoughts

What is your favorite place in your country that you have visited?

that’s a tough one have been to every state except two

Have you ever visited Indonesia?


Do you love nasheed (Islamic music)? Who is your favorite singer (munsheed)?

I don’t really listen to music

How do you get the ideas for your blog?

they usaully just pop into my head

Do you like sport? What is sport do you like?

I like to play soccer with my children it is fun to watch them chase and kick the ball

What place (city in this world) you wish to visit in the future (insha’Allah)? Why?

Mecca to see the holy land

What is your own language? Please translate this sentence “ I LOVE YOU FOR THE SAKE OF ALLAH” into your own language! If you are an English speaker, please retype that sentence!


Do you feel hurt, if someone speaks very badly to you? Would you like to forgive him/her for Allah’s pleasure?

yes I feel hurt , I forgive for the sake of Allah

Here are my beautiful nominees:

Now, please answer my questions below

1.What is your primary job?
2.Why do you love blogging?
3. Is there anything that you’ve been wanting to write about since a long time but haven’t penned it down yet? If yes, then what is it about?
4.Have you ever visited Morocco
5. What country were you born in?
6. How many states in America have you visited ?
7. Your favourite food?
8. How many langaues do you speak and read?
9. Do you like to bake and cook? If yes What types of food?
10. What is the colour you wear the most?
11. Do you suffer from a mental illness? If yes what type ? How do you treat it ? Does treatment help?

What Does Treatment-Resistant Really Mean?

Therese J. Borchard

healthtap.comIn his book “Economic Warfare: Secrets of Wealth Creation in the Age of Welfare Politics,” author Ziad K. Abdelnour writes, “One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.”

I face that decision every day.

Twenty times a day.

Several times an hour.

That one line contains the kernel of so much of my struggle, which is why I pray the Serenity Prayer every five minutes or so:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

We have this conversation often on Group Beyond Blue, the online forum I moderate. Someone asked the other day, “How do you know the difference between being treatment resistant and just not trying hard enough?”

The short answer is that you don’t.

As I…

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  السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

The heart's medicine Photo credit: The heart’s medicine
Photo credit:

I saw the dust on the mirror

only a dot.

That was okay,

I did not clean it.

One month later……

I see the mirror again,

O ..No!!!

It is covered by the dust all.

I cannot see my face on it.


What about my heart?

Is it covered by the dust too??!!

How could I get Allah’s light?

ودواء  قلب خمسة فتلاوة، بتدبر  المعني  وللبطن  الخلا  وقيام  ليل  والتضرع  بالسحر  ومجالسة الصالحين  الفضلا

امام نواوي 1983


Yahya Ibn Mu’aadh said, the medicine of heart is five things;

  1. Reading Quran and pondering the meaning,
  2. Having an empty stomach,
  3. Praying at night (Qiyaam al-layl),
  4. Beseeching Allah at the time of suhoor, and
  5. keeping company with the righteous people.

I am struggling to clean the dust in my heart.

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What To Do When Someone Doesn’t Like You

Therese J. Borchard

P2180215The other day a child psychologist was telling me about a very rigid, perfectionistic patient of hers.

“I want to control what other people are thinking,” the patient explained.

“How do you think you are going to do that?” the therapist responded.

The 11 year-old brainstormed but couldn’t come up with a solution.

Finally the therapist interrupted her thought process and said, “Do you know what you CAN control?”


“What YOU are thinking.”

The young girl paused to think.

“No, that’s not good enough.”

Continue reading …

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What You Build in Darkness

Therese J. Borchard

fortressThere’s a great e-card that reads: “Dear whatever doesn’t kill me, I’m strong enough now. Thanks.” It was the second most-liked item I posted on my Facebook page. The first was a quote by William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by xxxholes.”

Nietzsche was responsible for the line, “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” I’m not sure I believe that, given the long list of names of extraordinary people who ended up taking their lives in desperation. Sometimes the pain of severe depression—the hopelessness that is its constant companion–simply becomes too much to endure. Having visited the doorway to suicide for periods of time that lasted months and years, I understand that.

However, there is also truth in what C. C. Jung writes, that “there is no coming to consciousness without pain,” that a clay…

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Dear Friend, This Is Depression

Therese J. Borchard

LetterI wrote the following letter as a response to a conversation with a friend I have known since college. She wondered why I used the term “death thoughts” in my writing. But I wanted to publish it for all of the people closest to me, who have never seen me wail from the hollow place in my heart or throw things across the room in rage of this illness. I am writing it for my friends and relatives who wonder why I choose the words I do, if I’m exercising a creative license to keep a reader’s attention. This year my purpose has been made clear—to help people who are tormented by constant death thoughts, just as I am. This will mean rejection from those closest to me who cannot understand what I mean or why I would disclose such ugliness to the public. But it also means I have…

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The journey of special needs parenting can be filled with uncertainly and stress. You can find yourself constantly trapped in a place of regret about decisions / experiences from the past or constant worry about your child’s future. This can leave many of us experiencing daily life with depression or anxiety – lacking any hope about what might come. Of course, there are many external tools to support our child’s journey – specialized therapy, social tools, visual supports – all things that can be an amazing support on our special needs parenting journey.

But what about a tool that changes us from the inside out? What about a tool that changes our internal perspective about our external experience? What about a tool that changes our mindset, gives us a new way to meet the uncertainly of special needs parenting? What about a tool that gives us space to examine the…

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Email from a Sister wanting more information about how I deal with Bipolar

As salaamu alaikum sister

I read your post about love hurts, then read the title of your blog, and read a couple posts in relation to depression I just want to ask a few questions because I would like to know more:

what does it feel like from day-to-day to have bi-polar disorder?
how do you cope?
does it help to have support around you?
what is your diet like?
have you changed your diet to see how your mood has changed as well?
Jazakhallah khair
May Allah help ease your pain ameen.

Wa alikum salam Sister
I have answered the questions in the order you wrote them if you have any more questions feel free to ask away
I try and  doing all five daily prayers and I make dua several times a day some days the prayers are easy other days it’s hard and when I am really depressed I have to drag myself out of bed and do them.
Depends on the day some days are good other days are a real struggle just to get out of bed and get dressed
One day at a time some days just one minute at a time
Yes it does help to have support but sometimes even with support I still struggle
Very wholesome lots of fresh cooked meals and whole foods try to stay away from processed and junk foods
By cutting out dyes and additives it has helped my skin issues not really helped my mood that I’ve noticed

Loving You

Loving you is hard to do
All you do is make me blue
Your lips are cold
Your eyes are lost
But still I love you
Whatever the cost
I say nice things to warm your heart
All it does is tear us apart
This heart of mine is so confused
Torn and broken and abused
What do I do as the days go on?
I watch your heart turn into stone
and even though I am blue
I just keep on loving you

You alway told me you loved me
but little did I know
you’d stay for a while then go
You toyed with my emotions
and then tore them all apart
I never though you’d be the one
to try to break my heart
I know deep inside you cared
But you were blind to see
all the pain inside my eyes
When everyone looked at me
I didn’t know when the pain will stop
But until that day comes to me
I know my heart won’t mend