Ramadan day 10 through 19

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

well the days have taken on a whole new meaning basically I stay up all night and early morning hours till after the big boom and call to prayer do prayer then try and rest some days I get more rest then others .
Getting up for dhuhr prayer then back down to rest or read if little ones are awake I usually put on a movie or two sometimes three to keep them quite and happy it has been very hot and humid and that makes everyone a bit grumpy.
Do asr prayer and then help get ready for iftar , iftar is marked with a big boom and the athan then everyone eats and prays maghrib.
afterwards people go out and do things like going to the dentist, I had a tooth pulled and two teeth filled so now the pain is almost gone just waiting for it…

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Ramadan day 8

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

Made it through another ramadan fast and going to the masjed for isha prayers , there was a problem with the speakers on the women’s side so it was hard to hear and follow along .

Pretty sure my gum infection is getting worse I now have pain running down my neck and up from were said tooth use to be basically the whole left side hurts .

I didn’t eat much hurts to much to chew even on the other side, all I want to do is curl in a ball and cry , got the crying part out of the way earlier can’t seem to get the curl up in a ball part taken care of both my boys are basically running around the room and jumping off of everything.

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Ramadan day 7

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

I fasted today and went to the masjed for isha prayer and the extra prayers they do after isha prayer.

The women were actually quite while the prayer was being said ( in usa they keep on yap yapping while the Imam is doing the prayers) It was a nice change to be able to hear not that I actually understood much .

It saddens me that I can barely speak and understand Arabic I do try and try feels like I am beating my head against a wall .

My gum has become infected been rinsing with salt water.

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Ramadan day 6

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

I fasted today and did all my prayers I felt like crap so when I wasn’t praying I was laying in bed trying to sleep it off.

I feel feverish but don’t have a fever another thing is every little noise bugs me it sounds like fingernails on a calk board .

I don’t feel like I fit in here, I am the odd ball out , no one really understands me or how I feel .

Insha-Allah tomorrow will be better.

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what it;s like with bipolar

So today I was asked what is it like having Bipolar, I was annoyed by the accusatory tone laced within the question. ‘We all get a bit moody sometimes.’ Instead of resorting to standard explanations of the dry clinical variety, interspersed with how torturous this all is. I just asked the person. ‘Why do you not randomly set your house on fire every now and then?’ Obviously I got looked at like I was mental. But I persisted.
Imagine you build a house but then you randomly set it on fire, you can’t really stop yourself. That this sudden desire to engage in arson of your own home, just comes and goes like an impulse you must indulge in; in the same way you must breathe. If I were to tell you, you don’t need to breathe you just need will power instead. What would you say to that?
I do hope no one you care about is in the the building as it goes up. Imagine you are left with a burnt down home and now must mend it all and insurance wont cover it. There used to be a time you could call in builders to assist with the wreckage and fire crews that would put out small fires before they could spread so any repair work was minor. But budget cuts and all that mean instead you get insulted by the fire service who insists you can just will power your way out of being an arsonist to your own home. The the builders now hand you a roll of wall paper and tell you were you can buy paste. The fire crews also only show up when you home is down to smouldering blackened support frames. So if you start a chip fire for instance and ring up saying your entire kitchen is still going up and it getting worse, it is not yet serious enough for them to break out the hose and turn on those flashing lights.
Now I want you to imagine that this goes on year after year. You yet again burn down your home not long after you just gave it a fresh lick of paint and just replaced all the furniture you had managed to render unsalvageable. There starts to come a point where you do not want to rebuild your home and yet again pick through the mess you have made and pull up burnt carpet. Who wants to hang around with an arsonists any way? So your home ends up empty as residents can only tolerate smoke damage for so long. You may also be one of those really dangerous arsonists that sets schools on fire, even though that is far from the truth. Can’t blame them for leaving really. May as well keep it as rubble and ash any way, as you are just going to burn it down. Life demands shelter though, and to sit so exposed and alone is painful. So you make a half hearted effort and create a hovel. It is not comfortable, but it will do. Less to burn any way, so that is good. Get a cat to help with the loneliness and call it Cuddles, while envying those fire retardant homes that keep out all the rain while listening to the music of parties going on within that you will never be invited to.
People point and jeer at your hovel as it is a bit of an eyesore and you are clearly weird to live there. Actually you are likely some sort of evil denizen up to no good plotting mass school burnings, because one other person did that and it is all over the news. Also you are expensive on the fire service and for that you should be subtly condemned. The builders are also discussing revoking handing out wall paper they say it encourages fires.

Oh dear, look at that your hovel is on fire! You also just turned Cuddles, your only friend, into kindling! Clearly you like setting fires, being alone and living in a hovel.

Ramadan day 5

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

well today wasn’t very good for me was in so much pain from the pulled tooth that I had to take pain medications and those make me loopy and cranky so I stayed in my room most of the day and tried to sleep but couldn’t so I just laid there very dizzy and feeling yucky.

I did do all my prayers today , didn’t help with iftar but afterwards I washed all the dirty dishes .

Insha-Allah tomorrow I will be able to fast, I didn’t fast today so I’ll have to make it up after Ramadan .

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Ramadan day 4

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

I didn’t do well today I was in so much discomfort due to my broken tooth and my baby boy he’s fussy and teething spent all day keeping him calm and also dealing with princess and monkey ( my other two young children ).

I did do all my prayers and a few extra prayers after iftar went to the dentist and had a top left side tooth near the front yanked out it broke and even though I was numbed up it feels like someone stomped on the whole left side of my face . Once back at the house I feed baby boy took pain medications and am just waiting for the pain medications to kick in ,Insha-Allah I feel better tomorrow.

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Ramadan Almost here , While in Morocco

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

as salam alikum

I haven’t written in a while been quite busy with life , life has been quite trying to be honest I have been struggling, I am trying to live and be happy in a foreign country , I have been here since January and it is still hard I barely speak the language to be honest my 4 1/2 year old and 3 1/2 year old speak and understand more Arabic than I do.

My struggles seem to get the best of me some days I suffer from bipolar depression which means my brain chemicals are all weird and off my brain seems to be for a lack of a better word broken , I feel sad and blah when I have no reason to , medications don’t seem to help some days are better than others but lately it seems the blah’s have taken over my…

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Ramadan day 1

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

I didn’t sleep all night as I was worried that I would miss out on suhoor so I stayed up and read stuff on the internet about Ramadan then I got tired of reading so I watched 2 episodes of ncis and dealt with a fussy baby and got hungry so I went down stairs to try to find something to eat my sister-in-law soon followed and sent me back up to stay with the babies while she makes suhoor , I have drunk a huge amount of water and insha-allah I will be able to make it through fasting my plan is to sleep most of the day only getting up to do prayers and feed the children Insha-Allah it will work.

Well I made it through the day it wasn’t as hard as I thought, I didn’t know that when Ramadan starts daylights savings time ends so when…

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Ramadan day 2

Diary of a Revert Muslimah

I made it through fasting the second day of Ramadan today I felt really tired and sluggish I napped between prayers fajr and dhuhr which is hard to do when you have three young children the older two watched tv with their cousins and I took baby boy with me he nursed and slept got up and did dhuhr prayer then I let children watch two movies while I read quran started where I left off yesterday surah 2 verse 153 finished the second surah and am working on the third surah read until verse 170 helped prepare for the breaking of the fast and afterwards washed the dirty dishes                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

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