bipolar rambings

I  am me and for that shall be…
I have a mental illness. In itself, this disease is a very isolating disease. But – I am here to lay some knowledge on ya
Just like that, humans also take time to grow. An example would be going to school. One does not become qualified overnight – it takes years!!! Everything takes time, consistency, and effort. Those who take the short-cut, do not have depth. Time and effort are key to success (ehem, a lot of time).

Growing up, I felt so different, so weird,I just couldn’t see my way out of the fog that became my life. It felt unbearable. It was like being trapped inside a paper bag with no escape.
But, instead of retreating, the mood only took a stronger hold. Interactions were stiff and forced or overly emotional and fretted over later.
Peel back the layers of pretense and deceit and reveal the absolute truth
Motherhood, what a blessing. And mental illness, what a prison. And yet, some days, I mistake motherhood for the prison. I love my children, to a debilitating degree. No one could have ever prepared me for what being a mother does to your heart. I was nineteen  when I had my first child. I can say motherhood was wonderful yet stressful not to mention that sleep deviation  and depression didn’t help I was undiagnosed as bipolar for all of my teenage years and adult life I was misdiagnosed more times than I can count guess you can say I got really good at wearing a mask and pretending that’s how I see myself in life always pretending and hiding my true self no one knows the pain I am in and the few times I have expressed it it has fell upon deaf ears or the people I trusted betray me so I hide the pain and suffering sometimes it breaks through and people catch a glimpses .
Antidepressants and mod stabilizers do not work for me either I am allergic or have some weird reaction to the medications so I just struggle along as best as I can .

In depression

Hello darkness in thee I am bound, You are all around crowding out all the light . I fight with all my might yet you steal all the delight. Depression and darkness are close friends ,where one is the other isn’t far behind. I feel like crying , I feel sad and tired and I have no reason to I get enough sleep well most people think I do. What they don’t know is I spend most of the night tossing and turning trying to shut my brain off yes my brain is broken just racing and intrusive thoughts it is exhausting .

I have all these ideas and words swirling around but when I try and express them they get all jumbled up confused like word salad or word vomit none of it makes much sense . I feel like I am adrift in a bubble where all I get is passing touches never much more than that no one can reach me this is what it feels like to live with depression . Depression hurts from the inside out it is a creeping slow silent pain and by the time you realize it it’s already hit you hard and sucked out all the bright all that is left is the dark and gloom along with doubt and sorrow and wondering if there will be a tomorrow.