Fighting with bipolar doubt and despression despair and people who don’t understand

I have no aspirations Depression and despair sucked them away

I have no dreams, manic racing thoughts and isolation have stolen the

I have nothing but darkness and despair my mind is broken and I have no way to help it everything I have tried has failed , medications don’t work or stop working cause other problems or I am allergic to them . I am sick of people  in the Muslim community telling  me if you just pray more it will go away it is like telling a sick person that has a gashing cut  more and the bleeding will stop if you  just pray more , if someone has a cut there are steps to take to deal with the cut the first step is to apply pressure and get the bleeding under control then assess whether the cut needs stitches or just  a bandage once that is done then you clean the wound and apply the stitches  and then a bandage and give the person pain medication and help them recover well when one has a mental illness most people will just say snap out of it , everyone goes through periods of feeling bad what they don’t realize is that when one feels so bad and sad they can’t just snap out of it they don’t realize just how  hard it is to get to get out of bed and just make it through the day some of us with mental illnesses get really good at masking the symptoms and our feelings because we are just to exhausted to deal with other peoples pity fear or disgust so we get good at playing poker faces or we develop what i call the I’m fine mask or the I’m ok just tired because the children kept me awake excuse what we don’t says is I’m not ok I didn’t sleep because I couldn’t turn off my brain  I am having intrusive thoughts and when I do sleep I have weird dreams that seem more like forgotten memories from when I was a child but I can’t even put into words what the weird dream/memories are about because they scare the crap out of me and when I’ve talked about them I’ve been told it didn’t happen you are making it up it’s all in you head get over it the list just goes on and on.

So now I’ve reached the point that I have no dreams or aspirations I am just here simply because I just struggle through each day sometimes all I can do is struggle through the hour, minute or second no one understands how I feel and to be honest I don’t really know how to pray yes it’s embarrassing  I know the motions and the Al Fatiha but that’s it there are a whole bunch of other things in between that I don’t know and no one has bothered to take the time to show me and teach me .

More than a few people have lectured me on why and blah blah but no one shows me or encourages me to start they just say you do it x amount of time blah blah blah , you should go to more lectures, events , but no one ever says hey lets get together and pray or hey how are you doing with your prayers do you need any help can I answer any questions here’s a great website for information, hey lets have tea and just talk everyone is to busy in their own little worlds to reach out and help  the internet is both a good and bad thing good for finding information and bad for further isolating people now people spend endless hours on social networking  sites gabbing about stupid stuff and posting dumb pictures whatever happened to planning and getting together just for the sake of Allah and to help your fellow human?