begging for relief

I am a bipolar rootless wander I have no place to call my own

I am sad and lonely no matter were I roam

all I want is a place of my own a place were my heart and soul are happy

everyday I wake to the struggle I try to be happy but it seems my world has been painted in shades of gray and muted colors.

I beg Allah to release me from this unending unrelenting pain

I feel like a freak I do not fit in anywhere  i am the odd ball out no one seems to hear me shout 

my world is like living in a bubble and not understanding why others can’t see or feel your pain .

no one realizes how hard it is to get up and carry on your way, every tasks is like climbing a really high mountain with out much air

Random depression/bipolar thoughts


My depression takes on a mind of its own,and proceeds to sweep away the remnants of my shattered heart  The fog has Descended thick dark confussing as well as painful sitting in my balcony, the sunset just went away, I hate the dark, it reminds me of the end, like the grave it’s dark and cold, full of loneliness :

It slowly creeps up and sucks all the joy happiness and feeling out of you , you do not realize it .

Depression is different from sadness.
Depression consumes you until there is nothing left to feel all you feel is blank your happy and joy are sucked out and everything feels gray and foggy.

In the midst of my depression, every event, every duty, every change was taken in by my despairing mind as a personal attack.  A thing to be suffered.  Another thing to survive.
Depression is insidious. It seeps into your skin and settles into your bones where its impossible to grasp or understand transparent yet dense, like a fog rolling in  everywhere and nowhere
A paralysis that spreads like fire, coursing through your body along your circulatory system so that every cell is affected. Infected. The worst kind of resistant infection, because death from depression is slow. Painfully, achingly, patiently slow, no one even realizes what you are going through .

Depression is a loneliness.
I always felt alone. I hid my emotions away from the world. I smiled like nothing is wrong but my tears kept me company every night.
It’s uncontrollable. An uncontrollable pain. I was so numb to everything around me. I suppose it was my body reflex action to what I was experiencing. I choose to not want to feel anything. I detach myself. I only choose to cry. How can I stop this heavy blanket of shit from falling all over me. I tried to so mindfulness. I tried to focus my thoughts onto something else, but got pulled under before it even made a different.

Composition Book ReMake

solace and joy

Morning Cupcakes!

Here is a photo of a recent up-do of a regular old composition book and pencil.

Composition books are very sturdy —they’re folded and stitched together vertically along the fold. The books are also very versatile, making excellent journals, sketch or idea books, etc.

In this set, the pencil is covered in washi tape that almost matches the green color in the book’s corners.

Decorating composition books is so fun and allows for so much individual creativity! Children —both girls and boys— love to re-make composition books. And, when purchased during back-to-school-sales, the books are very inexpensive.

.♥ والدة walidah ♥.

Pencil — Supplies/Tools used:
washi tape

Composition Book — Supplies/Tools used:
craft glue
hot glue gun
silk flower
yellow buttons
boa feather bits
burgundy ribbon
composition book
12 x 12 decorative printed cardstock (“The Rustic Stack” by DCWV)
5 x 6.5…

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Suffered Life

I can relate to this thanks for sharing

The Trained Soul

In the midst of my depression, every event, every duty, every change was taken in by my despairing mind as a personal attack.  A thing to be suffered.  Another thing to survive.

It’s so hard to believe I was like that now that I’ve healed.

But I remember.

I know my thoughts, how I would literally be buffeted by every single fucking thing.  Hammering at me.  Constantly.  Ceaselessly.  Pressed down further into the deep pit of despair by the weight of it all.

Every little thing another burden, another suffered pain.

I cannot find the words to describe to you how relieving it is to be free of that weight.  To be myself again, a person I’d lost and didn’t even know I was missing.  Can you imagine?

It’s a little frightening to look back at how poorly I handled my work load, my loved ones, myself.

Our home reflects…

View original post 600 more words

fighting blah’s

drank 2 cups of coffee and working on 3rd cup still feel like I am wading through quicksand

made ginger snaps ,
made snicker doodles,
made peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip bars ,
Still Feeling Blah1537458_775796485779562_1019074213_o

depression sucks and distractions keeping busy are not helping why is depression worse in the winter time?

life has a way of crashing down on one and life spinning  out of control.

the saying goes when it rains it pours well in life when crap happens it happens all at once!